In volume 2 of the Great Game Throwdown, Soul Kerfuffle, The Philosophy of Time Travel, and the LBAM will discuss platformers.
This is a particularly easy post for me to decide on best and worst. To wit, the best platformer of all time is....
None. Platformers suck. Let's explore this in detail.
Why the hell are there platforms in random places? Why is LAVA flowing between them? LAVA, for Christ's sake. Why do short falls that might cause a bruise or contusion deadly? Why are there piston-like pumping things that I have to run under or be squashed by? Toss in the 2D graphics, the complete lack of reasonable plot or character, and what you have is the single greatest swindle that video game companies have ever perpetrated upon the modern gamer. PLATFORMERS SUCK, AND IT IS TIME CONSUMERS REALIZE THIS.
Let's look at the most famous example of platforming of them all, Mario. Lesse...Mario is a short, fat, Italian plumber named "Mario Mario" who dreams of pasta and pizza and usually only utters simple phrases like "It's a-me, Mario!"He kills turtles by jumping on them, and is so desperate for gold coins he actually leaps down giant sewer pipes after them. What is Nintendo telling us? That Italians and Italian-Americans are short, fat, dumb, violent, greedy manual laborers who don't mind rooting through sewage for cash. Wonderful.
Further, they desire drugs, as portrayed by Mario's liberal use of fire flower and obsession with mushrooms, even to the point of chasing after some dumpy little chick named "Princess Mushroom," who promised a lot but never made with the goods. A metaphor for addiction, folks.
Platformers are a scam. Sonic the Hedgehog is an insult to your intelligence. Mario is a stereotype. Platformers suck. The end.
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2 comments:
I think we should throw some Sacagawea dollars down a sewer pipe and see what happens.
Let's review this financially...
A single 1 OZ gold coin goes for over $1000. Sometimes well over. Say there are about 10 coins in that sewer (Mario usually finds more). That's $10,000. Maybe I don't have as much pride as the next guy, but I'd go into a sewer for $10,000.
But I digress...
You're right about stupid, pointless 2D games with no plot or decent characters. Screw Chess and Checkers. Who plays games for entertainment? Duh, if it's not like reading a novel or attending a seminar, it's not worth doing!!!
*poke*
*poke*
*attempting to push Dan's buttons*
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