LastBestAngryMan

Top 5 of the Decade - Albums

2009-12-01T21:48:00.002-05:00

Over the next month, in a lame attempt to mark the end of the decade, the LBAM will be running down some "Top 5 of the Decade" lists. Thrilling, I know. Try to contain your excitement.

So we'll start with albums. I am well aware that neither of you who read this blog share my taste in music. You're both wrong, so just get over yourselves.

#5 - Bastardos! - Blues Traveler, 2005

Blues Traveler released a couple of really mediocre albums this decade, 2003's "Truth be Told" and 2008's "North Hollywood Shootout." The former was boring and the latter indulgent, including a baffling and rambling jam with Bruce Willis. Bastardos! was unlike anything BT did before, and they'll probably never do anything like it again. I'd almost suggest that if you don't normally find yourself liking Blues Traveler, this might be an album to check out. Prominent use of a horn section makes the best parts of this album sound maybe like Chicago would've if Chicago had ever managed to rock with any amount of hardness at all.

Highlight: She and I has great horn arrangements underneath a great John Popper vocal performance. Amber Awaits has the kind of hook that made Blues Traveler famous, and a shitload of money, in the 90s, but is probably a better song than Runaround or Hook

#4 - Song of the Traveling Daughter - Abigail Washburn, 2005

I gues 2005 was a good year for music I like. This album is more or less indescribable and just saying it features old-timey, clawhammer banjo playing, cello, and Chinese lyrics won't get most people to listen. The trick, I have found, is to just get people to listen without telling them what it is they're going to listen to. The results are just amazing.
Highlights: Rockabye Dixie, Who's Gonna Shoe - If you can watch and listen to Abigail Washburn sing either of these songs live and not fall a little bit in love with her then you lack some essential qualities of soul and character that probably make you not worth knowing.

#3 - Takk - Sigur Ros, 2005

There was a long time while working on my MFA where I didn't bother listening to anything else. I wrote a solid half of the poems in my thesis while listening to this album. Inspiration distilled into music.

Highlight: Hoppípolla - I could listen to this song every day for the rest of my life and still love it.

#2 - The Hard and The Easy - Great Big Sea, 2005

My favorite band reclaims their identity as a roots/folk/acoustic band rather than a pop group. And while I don't mind their pop stuff, it was their acoustic folk with its impressive vocals that drew me to them in the first place. The real test of this album is there is not a single song on it I skip over if I listen to the album. I can't say that about Something Beautiful* or Fortune's Favor, the albums preceding and following The Hard and the Easy, respectively. I mean, England, on Fortune's Favor, might be the best original song they've done this decade, but it also comes on an album with clunkers like Dream to Live and Oh Yeah. Blech.
Highlights: The River Driver - The kind of stirring, introspective, gloomy folk song that made me love this band the first time I saw them, in...1997? 1998? Something like that. And Captain Kidd never fails to make me want to plunder something.

#1 - Our Endless Numbered Days - Iron and Wine, 2004

Sam Beam is a poet. I don't say that about many songwriters. Maybe 3...him, Ellis Paul, and Colin Meloy. This is an album full of poems. I sometimes feel like the album is some kind of series of poems, with each song in conversation with each other.
Highlights: The last five tracks are grouped on my iTunes as having been played the most. That's probably why this is #1. They are, in order, Each Coming Night, Free Until they Cut Me Down, Fever Dream, Sodom South Georgia, Passing Afternoon. Listening to this in the car the other day, I said to the official wife, it makes me want to write a paper on the intertextuality of the lyrics. Yeah. English major.

Apologies to: Ellis Paul, whose Live album from 2000 should probably be on this list. The Decemberists. Either The Crane Wife or Picaresque could easily be on this list as well. Bright Eyes, for I'm Wide Awake, it's Morning. Tim O'Brien, for the double release of Cornbread Nation and Fiddler's Green, which were both fantastic traditional albums. It would probably have been unfair to even consider Down the Old Plank Road/Further Down the Old Plank Road by the Chieftains in collaboration with more people than you can shake a stick at. You can consider this #6-10 of the list if you like.

The redneck disease.

2009-10-19T19:58:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, the LBAM had reason to visit his mother and the street he grew up on for the first time in a couple of months.

It may shock those of you who are accustomed to the polished, urbane wit of the LBAM to know that he comes from a place that first-time visitors have commented resembles nowhere so much as East Bumblefuck.

That being said, the actual neighborhood has always been fairly nice, not necessarily close knit, but friendly, populated by people of diverse background but united by a common concern; keeping their lawns neat and their boats clean.

Lately, though, there has been an incursion by rednecks who are renting a house at the end of the street. How, you may ask, dear reader, do I know they are rednecks?

Well, there's the rusting trampoline in the yard. The broken appliances heaped against the overflowing shed. The pile of tires.

But the worst part, the worst part is the truck. I did not notice make nor model, but I'm sure whichever it is, one of the profusion of stickers on the back windows no doubt heaped abuse upon the "rival" automaker, likely in the form of an unlicensed sticker pirating an image of Bill Watterson's Calvin peeing on something. It was painted (poorly - a DIY job, I have no doubt) an unappealing shade of green. It was lifted high off the ground on enormous, mud-encrusted tires. There were fake bullet hole stickers on the doors. Enormous white block letters proclaimed "Git-R-Done" on top of the windshield. Truck nuts? You bet.

The real winner was the tailgate, which was crowned with a "NUTS DEEP" in huge letters, flanked by amateurish air-brush paintings of Bud Light bottles and a Monster Energy can. Further stickers on the rear window I did not have time to study, but I have little doubt they proclaimed loyalty to Jesus and some NASCAR driver or other.

Through great force of will, I did not immediately set fire to it. In fact, through magnanimity of spirit and generosity of soul, I managed to move myself to pity for the person who owned this monument to advertising and poor taste. I can hear those of you out there claiming that this person should perhaps be admired; though you do not share his taste, you say, he is not afraid to proclaim that he is not just another anonymous driver!

To that, I say, amiably, nonsense. His (permit me the gendered pronoun; I have no doubts as to the sex of the owner of this vehicle) vehicle proclaims only that he is a devoted follower of things that are, in the main, wholly transparent. He has constructed an identity out of advertising slogans and catchphrases aimed at his demographic by TV executives who are sniggering with contempt as they run to cash the check. I would bet that he knows nothing of his religion except how he feels about it.

More and more, this is what annoys me; people who build their selfhood entirely out of what is given to them by popular culture. I see this endlessly with my students; I see it on various internet forums, where certain posters seem to go through month-long phases where their quote or picture or avatar is always related to a certain thing...a wrestler, a movie, a band, a character...and then switches they next time they see something new and totally awesome, which they then rush to identify with. This, it should be said, is not unrelated to the Hipster identity, which is an endless rush from one new thing to the next, only in this case the 'thing' must be something the rest of the world scoffs at, rather than embraces.

And this, really, is the crux of the matter, and what I don't want in my neighborhood; people who allow themselves to be dictated to, or indeed, created, by advertising and television. Let it be understood that I myself enjoy many of the things associated with traditional redneckery. I love banjo music, and at times have transported myself and camping equipment to distant locales so that I may listen to it for entire weekends. Friends and I have enjoyed many a hearty sip of homemade corn liquor, and blown many a breath of flame across a campfire with it. But these things are now authentic, pursued probably more faithfully by hipsters (at whom I am willing to aim my moonshine-fire breath) than rednecks.

The moral of the story; fuck rednecks. Meanwhile, I'll try to figure out something else to be angry at.

Material Needed

2009-09-30T20:23:00.003-04:00

So, those of you who read this blog...both of you...have no doubt noted a dearth of posts. A dry spell. A veritable drought of the droll witticisms and pithy observations you've all come to expect.

Why is this? Is it perhaps because your dear LBAM can't get his dander up anymore? Given up rage for more seemly pursuits. Golf, perhaps?

Hardly. The real reason is that the LBAM is, at heart, a lazy bastard. And despite being a lazy bastard, the economy being what it is, the LBAM is forced to work, to toil, to wear his rhetorical skills to their very barest bones in three separate pedagogical pursuits. This has left him with little time to be both suitably angry and agreeably eloquent simultaneously. Nowadays the equation works more like Anger+Free Time=Drunk, rather than blogging.

That being said, I am challenging you, dear reader, to come up with new angry fare to be angrily blogged about here. Be it in the world of sport, politics, comic books, or other assorted nerdery...toss me some subjects in the comments that you'd like to see me froth about.

Now, this is not a "taunt the LBAM" game. We do not go and simply post "Cal Ripken Jr. sucked. Discuss." That will win you no posts, just swift comment deletion. Give me something I can really sink my teeth into and I will attempt to deliver. Search for the really stupid examples of humanity, the people whose organs and blood should be harvested on general principles, and share them with me. Drive me into a frenzy. Do this, and I shall blog.

Watching the Watchmen

2009-03-08T15:50:00.002-04:00

God, I could just die for using that as the title of this post. The internet is full of silly little plays on that word, and none of them work. Luckily for me, I'm lazy and forgetful and so the shame of doing so myself will soon wear off.

Okay, I'm going to take the simple strategy of talking about Watchmen in three separate components; the Good, the Bad, the Decidedly Weird.

The Good

1. The movie is beautiful. Eye candy is everywhere, from the suits and sets to the eerie, will o' the wisp style glow that follows Dr. Manhattan. There's the right amount of neon, the right amount of bad 1980s purple suits and eyeshadow, the incredible contrasts of bright and gloomy in the suits of the old Minutemen in flashbacks...visually, the movie is simply stunning. There are few movies that look this good from start to finish.

2. The opening credit montage, despite the poor music choice (more on that later) was fantastic. I think it is easily my favorite opening credit sequence of all time. I've watched it again a few times online, and some of the subtler touches in it are really excellent (especially the nod to the relationship between Captain Metropolis and Hooded Justice).

3. The incidental music, the cues and such, was beautiful and usually perfect.

4. I felt that some of the characters were very well realized; Rorschach was pretty well done (though his extreme right-wing beliefs were mostly glossed over) and Jackie Earl Haley's performance was spot on, unnerving and creepy. Likewise the Comedian, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan's performance, though I felt he certainly did not look young enough in the flashback scenes, something that makeup or CGI could've addressed, I would think. Dr. Manhattan was good, I felt him to be distant and alien, as well he should be. My personal favorite was probably Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl, who I felt to be a total schmendrick, and the obvious portal for audience empathy (I felt Dan was, in the movie, clearly the analogue for the comic book fan, for whom life makes the most sense in terms of superheroes and mythologies and perhaps technology).

The Bad

1. Slow motion fight scenes; the movie would've been half an hour shorter if these had just been done in regular time. On a related note...

2. Do they actually have superpowers? Well, the comic book says no, aside from Dr. Manhattan. But then how was Rorschach scrambling up buildings, how were Nite Owl and Silk Spectre breaking backs (at least it looked like it to me) in the alley fight, and most of all, how in the name of Glaucon did Ozymandias do a flying, 12-yard ninja leap with no apparent effort in the Karnak fight against Nite Owl? What the hell? I get that he is the best hand-to-hand combatant of the group, but...really?

3. Um, Silk Spectre totally kills a guy in that alley fight, right? She stuck his knife into the back of his neck...at least that's what it looked like to me. That's not something Silk Spectre would do, I don't think. Furthermore, when did Archie get a gatling gun? I thought it had fire suppression and sound emitters and all those sorts of things...but I don't recall a gatling gun shooting down the water tower to put the flames out. I feel like the movie ramped up the presence of violence, the skills of the characters, and suchlike, perhaps in order to better fit in with the contemporary superhero movie landscape...and I would've been fine with that if it had felt like a commentary on superhero movies instead of just an attempt to blend in. It didn't.

4. Dan Dreiberg/Nite Owl is not Bruce Wayne/Batman. He is Ted Kord/Blue Beetle. This is the one aspect of Nite Owl's character I didn't like, in connection with the above. I felt he was changed to resemble Batman more than an original character or Blue Beetle (hence the changing of a sound emitter or fire suppression on Archimedes to a gatling gun).

5. The soundtrack. The entire movie doesn't take place in the 60s; the primary storyline is set in 1985. So then where the hell is the 80s music (aside from a few bars of "99 Luftballons" early on). Why the hell are we hearing Hendrix and Dylan and so forth? This was my only problem with the opening credits...why play a song from 1964 when most of the credits are happening in the 40s? Why not some big band? I didn't understand. It honestly felt like the soundtrack to this movie could've been exchanged with almost any Vietnam war movie, and that's lazy.

6. Matthew Goode was a horrible, horrible actor. Maybe he's been good in the past, maybe he'll be good again, but he was godawful as Ozymandias. What was with the now you see it, now you don't German accent? Why did his consonants keep getting lost? Why did he look like such a nancy boy? I didn't feel that Ozymandias was threatening or a good fighter or world class athlete. I felt like I could take a few swings at that guy and he'd say "not the face! not the face!" and curl up into a ball, and I felt there was no way in hell he could throw the Comedian through a window OR mastermind a cunning, evil, world-changing plot.

7. I'm torn on this; I felt in some scenes Malin Ackerman really came through as Laurie, and in others she fell flat. Her performance was uneven.

8. Ozymandias was far too clusmily foreshadowed as THE VILLAIN!

9. Not sure why Hollis Mason was introduced and not killed off. I think this ties into the fact that the film didn't do a great job of displaying the utter panic on the streets, the belief that nuclear annihilation was truly imminent.

The Decidedly Weird

1. Friend and comrades Robustyoungsoul and TPTT will probably back me up on this, and it was in fact the former who first made me think of this; why the hell would Veidt's plan work this time? Why, the instant Moscow is hit, is whatever is left of the USSR's power structure not pressing the big red button? I can think of no logical reason at all. Wiping out Moscow does not wipe out their ability to launch missiles, surely, and there's nothing about the way it happens that would, logically, make them stop and assess what it was or call the US. I would think they'd just assume the worst had come to pass, the west had unleashed their deadliest weapon (Dr. Manhattan) and so, without further ado, kablooie.

2. Veidt's plan, in this version, would so completely derail the world economy that I can't see it saving the world, I see it destroying it just as thoroughly. As I recall, his plan dusted London, Moscow, Paris, NYC, and Los Angeles. And, once again, as I recall, THIS attack destroyed buildings and property as well as people, whereas the squid in the book projected a "psychic attack" that seemed to only kill people...thus leaving infrastructure and such in place. I could be wrong; I loaned my copy out so I can't doublecheck. At any rate, in this version, I feel Veidt's plan=FAIL.

3. Why should Dr. Manhattan need Veidt's help to solve the world energy crisis? In the book, once again, that is something he has already done, it's over, dealt with. Now this is not a fanboy, nerd-rage, "OMG THEY CHANGED IT!" sort of reaction, but more of a disappointment; by using 'the energy crisis' as cover, it seems to me a futile and unnecessary attempt to make the story relevant to contemporary issues

4. Did Lee Iacocca need to get it between the eyes? Well...maybe. Even so, having Ozymandias use the auto/oil industry execs as human shields during the assassination attempt was a little clumsy and obvious. And again, a fairly transparent way to make things relevant. And yes, part of me cheered to see it happen, but even so...it seemed a little unsubtle for Veidt.

5. I didn't need the raunchy superhero sex. Yes, it was an important factor in the book and we need to know it's happening, but I don't know if we needed to see it quite as thoroughly as we did.

6. Ditto some of the really 'enhanced' violence. I don't recall, in the book, Big Figure's fat henchmen getting his hands cut off with an industrial grinder, I remember him getting his throat slit.

7. On Veidt's huge wall of TV screens, I caught a glimpse of Rambo II, the plot of which is Rambo going back to Vietnam to rescue POWs still held there. But...wait. In this reality, we WON in Vietnam...Dr. Manhattan ended the war a scant few days after intervening. Why would...how would Rambo II even get made? Why would Rambo, the novel, even be written? It wouldn't....none of it makes sense! ARRRGGH, continuity-headache.

8. The Nixon makeup sucked. Nixon has been put on screen plenty of times and can be done well. This was just silly. He looked like a goddamned duckbilled platypus.

Alright, that sums up MY experience of seeing Watchmen. It says something when I come up with 4 points under good, and eight each under "Bad" and "Decidedly Weird." It wasn't terrible, it wasn't a waste of time, I don't want my money back, and I don't think Zack Snyder is a terrible person or even a bad director. I sincerely hope that this movie inspires people to pick up the book, or to pick up comics in general. But I just don't know if it will.

Top 5 Anticipated Movies of 2009

2009-01-07T19:30:00.003-05:00

Well, my esteemed blogger colleagues Soul Kerfuffle and PoTT and I have decided we once again need to get on this whole "joint blogging project" some more. So we've decided to go with our "Top 5 Anticipated Movies of 2009." Without further ado...

5. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen - Yes, ultimately the first movie pretty much sucked at any point in which robots were not battling each other. And the really puzzling thing was how little screen-time the robots actually got. I sense this will not be a problem in the second movie. Why, do you ask?

Because Michael Bay had a direct hand in writing the screenplay. He expanded an outline into 60 pages during the writer's strike.

That being the case, I expect the movie to feature mostly robots getting blowed up real good, or getting punched so hard their eyes pop out. Freeze frame the moment when Optimus punches Bonecrusher in the first flick; it totally happens. Eye pops right out.

I expect the landscape of Transformers 2 to be positively littered with busted robot eyes.

4. X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Yeah, X-Men 3, uh, failed to live up to its promise. That being said, this looks like an asskicker of a movie, and casting Liev Schrieber as Sabertooth may very well turn out to be a stroke of genius. If nothing else it'll be fun to see Logan kicking ass without a bunch of pansy ass whiner X-Men around him.

3. Watchmen - I don't know if the graphic novel can really be brought to the screen in a way that does it justice. But what kind of comic geek would I be if I didn't go see it? Obviously Zack Snyder's strategy is "slavish devotion to the look and feel of the original" though there are apparently significant changes to the ending. I do know I have to see it because I have to know if the movie can work.

Bonus prediction: I am going to go see this movie, and on the way out I will hear some teenager say "Man, that plot was ripped off from the first season of Heroes." Then the world will go black and I will wake up in jail with bloodstains under my fingernails.

2. The Expendables - IMDB lists this movie as coming out in 2010, but I'm listing it here anyway. Why, do you ask? Let me count the ways.
1. A script written by Sly Stallone featuring a group of badass mercenaries overthrowing the government of an African country at the behest of the CIA.
2. The confirmed cast: Sly Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture and Dolph Lundgren as the main members of the team. Rumored casting: Forest Whitaker (as CIA handler) Ben Kingsley, and Mickey Rourke (!!!!!)
3. Did I mention it was written by Stallone?
4. According to script reviewers, the climactic battle scene is simply scripted as "unlike anything ever seen before."

I can hardly wait.

1. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Do I really need to even explain this one? Haven't you all seen my toyblog? And despite all the NERD RAGE surrounding this movie (and believe me, the nerd rage is truly frightening and highly irrational - suffice it to say people think the only way to bring G.I. Joe to the screen is to do so so that it is EXACTLY FRAME FOR FRAME LIKE THE COMIC or EXACTLY FRAME FOR FRAME LIKE THE CARTOON depending on which they liked better as a kid) I am actually kind of optimistic. Is it gonna be great cinema? Hell no. But look, Stephen Summers can direct a fun, solid action flick (I'm thinking more The Mummy than Van Helsing), Chris Eccleston should be a fine villain, Sienna Miller is really, really hot in black leather with guns, and Ray Park is Snake-Eyes. Action, explosions, ninjas, and T&A. What more can a toy collecting nerd like me want?

LastBestAngryMan Man of the Year 2008

2008-12-29T15:39:00.005-05:00

In honor of the tenth anniversary of one of the greatest films of all time, the LBAM dubs this man Man of the Year 2008:

Walter Sobchak.

Noted accomplishments:
-Being the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules
-Strictly observes the Sabbath
-Living in the past, due to 3,000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax
-Capable of ushering you into a world of pain
-Understands that the ringer cannot look empty
-Survived combat with a worthy fucking enemy
-Knows that pacifism is not something to hide behind
-Helped advance his team to the next Round Robin
-Avid student of political philosophy

The LBAM salutes you, Walter Sobchak, and all those who understand your profound impact upon the world today.

Best. Death. Ever.

2008-11-18T21:20:00.004-05:00

Without doubt, death scenes are the most potentially powerful moments in any piece of fiction, be it film, novel, play, or otherwise. There have been, of course, numerous great death scenes, but there are probably a few that really stand out. So I'm going to go for a Top 5, and the rest of you, as always, are encouraged to submit your comments or suggestions, no matter how laughably wrong they may be. Now, these are not strictly just from film or tv or novels...no genre limitations. The one rule is, no real deaths or death quotes unless they've been fictionalized; otherwise I'd have to say that Robert Emmet would win hands down for his words before his own brutal execution. On to the list.

5. Sydney Carton, A Tale of Two Cities - Melodramatic? Perhaps. But it set the tone and standard by which all later awesome deaths ought to be judged.
Why it's great: He's ensuring the happiness of his unrequited love Lucie by taking the place at execution of the man she does love, Charles Darnay. How fortunate that he and Sydney are dead ringers for one another. Ah, Dickens.
Key line: "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."

4. Syrio Forel, A Game of Thrones - Yes, he was a minor character and no, he doesn't belong on the same list as some of these guys, but he appears to kill five armored dudes with a stick. I'm going to repeat that, just so we're clear; Syrio has a stick, filled with lead, used for sword training, and no armor. A bunch of dudes with armor and heavy swords and shields show up to take his student into custody. He kills five of them with a stick. That is sheer, no foolin' badassery, folks.
Why it's great; Well, maybe we don't see him die, and some mooks think he isn't dead (he is, folks) but he unhesitatingly sacrifices himself so his student Arya can escape. And he looks damned cool while doing it.
Key line: "The First Sword of Braavos does not run."

3. Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker - Alright, forget what you think about the prequels or about Ewoks. Vader sacrificed himself to save his son, having found the last bit of good in him that said son was sure was still there. Say what you will about Lucas' writing for the prequels or anything else, but that story element, right there, it is poignant, it is genius, it is wonderful.
Key line: "Just for one...let me look on you...with my own eyes."

2. Boromir, The Lord of the Rings - I'm going to go with Boromir's movie death scene, because it is just that much cooler than his death in the novel. If you're reading this blog, I probably don't have to describe it or tell you why it's great. But I will anyway.
First and foremost, the man is fighting to redeem his honor, which is a tad tarnished at the moment. Secondly, he keeps getting back up and fighting after one, then two orcish arrows are in him. The view of him after the second arrow, how Merry and Pippin, standing nearly defenseless just behind him, slowly come into focus in his vision, thus demonstrating his inspiration to keep fighting...genius.
Why it's great: Do I really have to say so? Because he kicks and unbelievable amount of Uruk-Hai ass? Seriously, some time when you're watching this, freeze frame and count the corpses near where he fell. That's not the work of Gimli, Aragorn, or Legolas...just him. I don't think Pippin or Merry can be credited any kills; Boromir accounted for at least an even twenty, and it might be as high as two dozen. Hell and yes.
Key Line: "Forgive me. I did not see. I have failed you all." and of course; "I would have followed you, my brother; my captain; my king."
If that didn't tear you up at least the first three or four times you watched it, there is no talking to you. I can get the sniffles just thinking about it.

1. Cyrano de Bergerac - Yes, really. Number one. His death is so awesome it covers 3 scenes of the final, fifth act of the play. Let's give a quick summary of facts:

-He has, now for fourteen years, maintained his silence regarding his part in the love affair between Christian, now dead those fourteen years, and Roxane, whom he has loved for even longer.
-He has never compromised his ideals, even though they have led to a live of solitude and poverty.
-He has essentially just been assassinated, with tragic irony, by a lackey dropping a log onto him from an upper storey window. Funny? A little. Sad? absolutely.
-Despite knowing he was dying, he has gone to keep his weekly appointment with Roxane at her cloister, to entertain her with his "Gazette" of court gossip and news.
-Roxane carries the letter he wrote as Christian's farewell to her just before his death in battle, over her heart. Cyrano asks her to let him read it, finally, and she realizes he does in fact have the letter memorized, and wrangles a confession out of him.

Here begin the greatest lines in death scene history, most of which I am skipping:
Roxane: Ah, how many things have died, and how many have now been born! Why were you silent for fourteen years, knowing that he hadn't written that letter, and that the tears on it were yours?
Cyrano: The blood was his.

Later, as he begins to become delirious due to his fractured skull:
Philosopher, scientist, poet, swordsman, musician, aerial traveler, maker of sharp retorts, and lover (not to his advantage!) here lies Savinien de Cyrano de Bergerac, who was everything, and who was nothing.

Then, finally, as he refuses to let anyone even help him stay on his feet and is staggering around, swinging his sword at his 'enemies,' lies, compromise, prejudice, cowardice, and stupidity, he finally goes down with the following:
Yes, you've robbed me of everything; the laurels of glory, the roses of love! But there's one thing you can't take away from me. When I go to meet God this evening, and doff my hat before the holy gates, my salute will sweep the blue threshold of heaven, because I'll still have one thing intact, without a stain, something I'll take with me in spite of you! You ask me what it is, I'll tell you, it's...my panache.

Beat that. I sure can't.

Veteran's Day, Remembrance Day, or "The Great War and Modern Memory Loss."

2008-11-11T20:56:00.004-05:00

Today was Veteran's Day. Most of my students were aware of it only due to the fact that their friends at public school had the day off.

None...that's right, none...were aware that "Veteran's Day" began as a way to commemorate The Great War, or World War I.

Now, I'm not sure I can exactly articulate why that bothers me so much, but it does. The lack of knowledge and awareness of that war, and its cultural, historical, political and social significance has long bothered me.

People will tell you, no doubt, that we don't know or care much about that war because the USA's participation in it was minimal. And maybe there is a grain of truth in that somewhere, but no matter the length or breadth of the USA's involvement, the impact of that war on contemporary culture...what and how we think, write, say, how it influenced later events...is enormous.

And most people my age don't know or care, let alone the generation we are raising or educating.

Soon...literally, it could happen any day...firsthand experience of the Great War will pass out of living memory. There are 10 verified veterans of the Great War left, all who served in the Allied Forces; there are no more Central powers veterans. Two of those remaining saw trench warfare.

No doubt their passing will be remarked in Europe. The last 'official' French veteran received a state funeral, as did the final German Army veteran. Will that happen here? I imagine it'll have a one minute piece on the evening news and little else.

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. I'm not suggesting some kind of "Veteran Death Watch" or anything, I just think it's something folks ought to be aware of, and certainly aren't. And frankly, the certainty that this is unlikely to change makes me too sad to really be angry about it, much less make a joke.

Stuff I've Learned And Been Angry About Lately

2008-09-25T19:14:00.004-04:00

1. There is no safe word when it comes to nasal hair.

2. The greatest contribution to gastronomy by the Germans is not beer, and it's not sausage. It's pickled herring.

3. The Nobel Prize for Literature is probably the most irrelevant of the prizes named Nobel. Try this handy dandy quiz; no fair looking it up on wikipedia. Which of the following writers won the Nobel? Nabokov, Joyce, Proust, Twain, Ibsen, Chekhov, Borges, Greene, Tolstoy, Zola.The answer, as you no doubt know? NONE. That's right. No Nobel prize for the writers of the following; Lolita, Ulysses (almost without question the most important novel of the 20th century. Maybe not the best. But the most important) Remembrance of Things Past, A Doll's House, The Quiet American, Uncle Vanya, Anna Karennina, Aleph...and folks, that's only one book from some of them. Not all. None won a Nobel. And take a look at some of the luminaries who have;

Rudolph Eucken
Romain Rolland (whose main contributions seems to have been serious fetishization and "other-ing" of India)
Henrik Pontoppidan
Grazia Deledda
John Galsworthy
Pearl Buck
Sully Prudhomme

Ever heard of any of them? No? Why, do you ask? Because they're a gaggle of shitty writers, that's why.

4. This one is important.

Stop using the word "rape" to refer to things you don't like. Really. Stop. Gas prices do not "rape" you. Stores charging more than you would like to pay for luxuries like toys are not "raping" you. George Lucas and Steven Speilberg did not "rape your childhood" with any movie they have ever made or will ever make. It trivializes the word. It makes you look like a fucking idiot. It trivializes the pain and the experience of anyone who has ever experienced what the word actually means and the people around them who dealt with the fallout. When used, as it often is, in reference to pop culture items or artifacts that somehow harken back to your childhood, and you feel "aren't as good," it certainly doesn't apply. None of those things are an invasion. Nobody makes you buy a movie ticket, drive an SUV that gets .8 mpg, or spend your disposable income on toys. The incorrect and silly and trivial use of this word is starting to make me worry...even more...about the self-centeredness, nostalgia addiction, and childhood-fetishization of my generation. And this from a self-professed toy collector.

And last, but not least, it's getting the next person that says it in my presence punched. I'm tired of it. That's your warning, world. Do not doubt me.

5. I'm glad the Red Sox are losing. Their fans don't deserve a winner, the city doesn't deserve any more winning, and they're a bunch of assholes. Likewise, I am glad the Dodgers are losing because really, after spending 30 million dollars this year on Juan Pierre and Andruw Jones. Add their 2008 OPS+es together and you get 102. Combined. For 30 million dollars. Any team stupid enough to dole out that kind of scratch for that kind of production doesn't deserve to win a pennant.

There. I know it's not my best work. I've tried to get angry about the election, about the bailout (I know, I know, it needed to happen...but sometime, somebody somewhere ought to reap the whirlwind for the colossal amount of stupidity that brought this economic collapse about. I am convinced only that that someone should not be me or anyone I care about) but I just can't summon the anger. My only real coherent thought about it is that Warren Buffet should be named Grand Poobah of the Country, and the election suspended, until things even out.

The Conversion of a Marvel Fanboy

2008-06-12T12:13:00.003-04:00

In life, there are a few clear-cut choices one must make. Coke or Pepsi. Scotch or Bourbon. Ginger or Mary-Ann. Star Wars or Star Trek. You cannot sit the fence on these debates. You choose a side and you stick with it. (Incidentally; Coke, Scotch, Ginger, Star Wars). Sure, you might occasionally dally with the other side, or be forced to it when no other option is available...but you know where your heart belongs.

One of these choices is Marvel vs. DC. I'm not talking about their sub-imprints or anything like that, I mean their universes. Their core characters. Spider-Man, the X-Men, Iron Man, Captain America and Thor, vs Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the JLA, Green Lantern.

All my life I have instinctively, inevitably chosen Marvel. I loved the X-Men, especially Beast, Colossus, and of course, Wolverine. The Fantastic Four, especially Thing. I identified with these characters. I wanted to be them. I wanted toys that represented them.

And more than that, I scoffed at the DC Universe. Superman? Pshaw. Big stupid boy scout with far too many powers, and the weaknesses? LAME. Wonder Woman? Well, Linda Carter sure was hot, but the "lasso of truth." Gimme a break. And Green Lantern's weakness was yellow? Yellow? Don't even get me started on Captain Marvel (the Shazam Captain Marvel, not the alien Captain Marvel...he was part of the Marvel universe and thus acceptable). Sure, Batman was alright, but most of my exposure to Batman was in the form of the campy 60s TV show (which in retrospect is tolerable only when Julie Newmar appears as Catwoman...hummina hummina...) and the initial Tim Burton Batman films, which I thought were great. Note the past tense "thought" and interpret it literally.

These feelings on the "Marvel vs DC" question crystallized as I grew older. I amassed a large collection of Toybiz's Marvel Legends figures, I dutifully read most of the Marvel Universe big event comic series, I tolerated the "Heroes Reborn" nonsense, and I remained comfortably certain that the X-Men and the Avengers were way cooler than the Teen Titans or the Justice League. I mean, of course Wolverine could kick Batman's ass...it wasn't even a contest. And the Punisher would just mow his ass down, right? No trouble at all.

Then, this past winter, my wife brought home from the library a hard-back collection of Justice League comics titled "Tornado's Path" by Brad Meltzer. I was mired in writing my thesis and reading books on the pedagogy of Creative Writing, so I took one evening off to give DC comics a shot.

When I finished it, I asked the Official Wife of LBAM if the same writer had written anything else in comics. She said, yes, something called Identity Crisis.

I fetched it from the library, read it in a few quick, stunned hours and said "How come nobody ever told me the DCU was this good?" Marvel characters never would've had a running debate about whether it was acceptable to alter a villian's mental capacity. They might have argued about whether killing him was ok...but just messing with his head? No schism there. No no no. Why was this so different? Because these characters acted like heroes. They held themselves to a higher standard of conduct because they had powers. They didn't (all) wander around in emo-drunkenness or tortured loneliness because they were special and the world persecuted them for their special-ness. They could argue about something like that because how they acted mattered to them.

Flash forward to now. I have read Crisis on Infinite Earths, 52, Green Arrow: Quiver, Green Arrow: Year One, Kingdom Come, Trinity, a crap load of Batman books, and am eager to read more. Just last night I watched the final episode of Justice League Unlimited, which is pretty much without doubt the finest cartoon series I have ever seen. I have a small collection of DC Direct figures: the Justice League Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter, and the Trinity series 1 Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman. I may never buy another Marvel Legends figure (more on this in the toyblog later this week, I hope).

What's the key difference? Well, the writing, for sure. The scope, too. The DC Universe appears to live and breath across an entire world (worlds, even), whereas the Marvel Universe, well...that's pretty much New York city, with occasional trips to other countries or planets. These far flung locales serve mostly as a backdrop for superheroes to experience angst and punch things. They lack depth or definition.

But mostly, it's the quality of the current writing. Marvel is blundering into crap at every turn. The big Brand New Day for Spider-Man was an absolute turd sandwich. It's not a "brand new day" when all you did was re-set the character to what he was twenty years ago. Civil War was pretty good, but two issues into Marvel's big summer events of Secret Invasion and Avengers vs Invaders it has become clear that those comics are designed mostly to undo everything that happened in Civil War. Steve Rogers will be alive again one way or another (they've got two options for that). Tony Stark appears to have been a deep-cover, unconscious Skrull Agent for decades? Ditto Spider-Woman, Elektra, and several other heroes...GAH. Just let something happen for pity's sake.

Contrast Final Crisis, where things are changing. Sure, it seems likely that Barry Allen is coming back from the dead, but he's been dead since 1986. Has Marvel ever let a major player rest that long? I guess the point I'm getting at is that Marvel doesn't seem to respect the idea of telling a story in a way that results in anything changing. Sure, DC characters come back from the dead, but take Green Arrow: Quiver, for instance. Yes, Ollie came back from the dead...but he was changed by the experience. He didn't want to live again. He did it because he had to. I guess what I'm getting at is that, in my experience with DC comics so far, stories are told that are more than just cyclical; it isn't the same experience for a character over and over again that always results in the slate being wiped clean, so the character can go back to being what he was in 1976, or 1988, or 2002. I suppose 52 would be a wonderful example of that, by finally bringing the painfully sad story of Elongated Man to a conclusion, by sending Black Adam (I never thought the Egyptian version of Captain Marvel would be even a remotely interesting character) on a totally heartbreaking cycle from villain, to anti-hero struggling with his power, to redemption and back again, by setting up a new Question...I can't wait to reread it in a few months and see what I missed, because I know I missed plenty.

I think the most recent redeeming Marvel comic was Astonishing X-Men, written by Joss Whedon. Yes, the series is going to continue without him, but I'm certain it won't be as good. That was a series with depth and complex characters, with the actual inner nature of characters being revealed (Cyclops in particular goes on a pretty interesting journey in that series...so does Beast). And now Joss's run on it is done, and so is my last reason for remaining a dedicated Marvel fanboy. Sure, I'll still probably drop in the Marvel Universe from time to time, to check in on the favorite characters of my youth. But now that I'm (mostly) grown up, I have found that I simply prefer the DC Universe. At least as of this moment, it is better written, more mature, more complex, more interesting, and full of better stories than Marvel. The people in charge at Marvel simply don't take their characters seriously enough...or value the intelligence of their fans highly enough...to tell good stories anymore.

Maybe the pendulum will swing back the other way, maybe someday I can sit the fence and enjoy both...but for now, I'd much rather live in the DC Universe.

"I'm Keith Hernandez," or, "Identifying Moments of Hubris."

2008-05-23T14:18:00.005-04:00

So lately I've been thinking about the moments where various people, usually involved in creative endeavors of some kind, had the moment where they decided, "Hey, I'm ______, I'm a goddamn genius, I can do whatever I want." So, inspired by the classic Keith Hernandez episode of Seinfeld, with his "I'm Keith Hernandez" voice over, here are a few I've thought of.

Alan Moore had his "I'm Alan Moore" moment when...he wrote The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier. Alan Moore has written some great comics; I don't need to list them here. And he is one crazy SOB, no doubt. In Black Dossier, there was far more of the latter than the former. Some examples:

Okay, Alan, I get that you don't like James Bond. And the Bond of the books is a misogynist, a bastard, an assassin...he is not a whiny, traitorous, idiot rapist.
The Golloywogg? Really? You had to drag out that racist thing, and give him some weird living doll sex/slaves...I really can't even keep talking about this part.
Not to mention the fact that by this volume, Moore was determined to just wedge in every character who ever appeared in any English literature between, say, 1789 and 1960. We get it, dude. You're smart. No go back to worshiping your snake god and pretending that anarchy and open marriages and all that other nonsense you believe in (so you can justify doing whatever you want, whenever you want) actually works.

The Wachowski Brothers had their "We're the Wachowski Brothers" Moment when...they stopped plagiarizing Grant Morrison and tried writing their own material for the Matrix, which is to say, when they made the second two parts of their trilogy. I don't think there's anything else that needs to be said about that.

George Lucas...has quite possibly had more "I'm George Lucas!" moments than anyone in history. The Radioland Murders. Howard the Duck. Need I mention Droids, the Ewok TV specials, or The Phantom Menace? Unlike many other geeks, I do not list Episodes II or III here, which is a whole separate issue. And I'm not even going to get into Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which I thoroughly enjoyed, for which I fully expect to have my geek card revoked any day now, apparently because geek credentials now require hating anything Lucas does. I am convinced, by the way, that this is why so many nerds disliked Indy 4; they were determined not to like it because Lucas was involved, and in many cases are complaining about things that are hallmarks of the Indy franchise (improbable escapes, unscientific 'science', slapstick humor, etc). Again, a whole other argument.

Robert Jordan had his "I'm Robert Jordan!" moment when...he wrote books 7, 8, 9, 10, and most of 11. Enough said.

I had a bunch more of these when I planned this post initially, but I have since forgotten. Please share more in the comments.

The People You Meet in Grad School, Vol 3

2008-03-24T12:52:00.006-04:00

Continuing our earlier series on the People You Meet in Grad School with a just a couple specialized types:

14. The Person Who Is Always Eating - There are actually 3 distinct subtypes to this particular person. The first, or "classic" model, is just your garden variety fat dude/chick. Grad school has its share, probably representative of the rest of the world, so no big deal. But there are two other types. The one most native to grad school is the kind who is always eating in public because she wants you to see how busy she is. The thinking goes something like this: I am doing so much; writing my novel, teaching a whole entire class, and pickling my liver/keeping my local grower in business, "journaling," navel-gazing, writing my "essays" and also complaining all the time that no one will publish them, that I have no time to set aside to eat at home or in a place designated for it, and by God, people need to know this. I will make it clear by unpacking 4 or 5 tupperware tubs (to show I am environmentally conscious, I won't use bags!) during a really inappropriate time (like, say, during a reading, a lecture, workshop, or performance) to make sure everyone sees how BUSY I am, and watches how healthy/organic/exotic/unappealing my choice of food is.
The second type is the kind who is on such a specially computed diet that it requires constant snacking to regulate "blood sugar levels." Needless to say this also requires constant cadging of food, constant discussion of how "if I don't eat something now I'm going to faint"/relative benefits of protein, fiber, etc.

15. The Person Who Makes Every Conversation About Him/Herself

True, you can probably meet this person outside of grad school, but they are very prevalent within. A common tactic is to use someone's workshop piece as a way to discuss the self, instead of the work. "Well, this line makes me go back to...(insert painter/religious text/poet/obscure reference/musician) here" is the M.O. of this tool, who will then use the opportunity to, without doubt, talk at length about what he/she has experienced, rather than anything to do with the work being discussed. Another popular method is wait until someone asks for advice or brings up a problem with a student; the way is then clear to launch into a 10-15 minute personal narrative about how that happened to him/her when he/she was a student.

There are also the much less tactful "opens her email, proceeds to discuss contents of it with everyone in room" type, but those are garden variety.

More to come, hopefully.

Great Videogame Throwdown: RPGs

2008-03-19T09:44:00.004-04:00

Well, here we are, at the end of the Great Game Throwdown, with the greatest of all game types: RPGs. The LBAM actually visited this subject in a prior blogpost, and the rankings will be the same. If this gives me an advantage over my distinguished competition at SoulKerfuffle and Philosophy of Time Travel, well...it's really just part and parcel of the advantage I already had by simply being the LBAM.

First and foremost, a note about what you will not find on this list: any Final Fantasy games. Why, do you ask? I don't like Final Fantasy games. I don't like spiky hair and Japanese animation and stupid-looking weapons and hodge-podges of mythology and stupid big freakin' birds and heroes with lame, fruity names like "Cloud." So screw Final Fantasy. If you play and enjoy them, you are probably a communist and/or a sexual deviant.

5. Fallout- Post-apocalyptic wandering in a nuclear-shattered wasteland was never more fun! Seriously, Fallout was a great game, based on a great premise. It managed to mix in enough funny to keep you laughing, enough variation to keep you coming back to play again, and big honkin' weapons, including a flamethrower that turned your enemies into flaming, dancing skeletons that then settled into small piles of ash. What's not to like? I've been trying to track a copy or a download of this down recently, but haven't had any luck. I know I never explored or discovered all there was to do in that game.

4. Ultima 7- The pinnacle of a classic series of games, especially if you played the second half. This game, like all the Ultima games, had a great storyline that would carry you through a quest, but was chock full of diversions, side quests, riddles, jokes, etc. The replay value came in trying to figure out all the side quests you couldn't before, all the items you knew were there but couldn't find, the dungeons you couldn't quite figure out. Nobody did "big and engrossing" in the early 90s like the Ultima folks.

3. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic- The story of this game was so good that I wish IT had been the subject of the prequels. It felt so intrinsically Star Wars. This game had great replay value, and by playing Dark Side you actually got to utter the phrase "Join me and we'll rule the galaxy together," AND have a lightsaber duel with your pansy light side Jedi cronies. Chills. This game is probably the second or third best Star Wars film ever made, only many hours longer and interactive. Extra points for being the best Star Wars game ever released, for the intriguing plot, and side quests that were always interesting and never felt unconnected. Playing this, one got the sense that the people who made it loved Star Wars, I mean really, really loved it. Sometimes that kind of devotion to material and authenticity makes a great game even greater; they clearly weren't as concerned with mind-blowing graphics or realistic physics or super intelligent combat AI as they were with making a damn fun game and a good story.

2. The Elder Scrolls- Morrowind- This game is the best ever at not railroading the player into anything. The entire world is wide open, beautifully rendered, full of side-quests, guilds, grudges, dungeons, monsters, treasures, vampires, werewolves, insane gods (play your cards right and you'll get to whack 2 of them) loads of magic items, corrupt nobles, slaves to free...and, yeah, a major quest that's awesome. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours of my life I've wasted playing Morrowind. Just a fantastic game. All I remember about the summer Morrowind was released was seeing how far I could take my Nord Barbarian (level 35, which was nowhere near the highest level character I ever trotted out there).

1. Baldur's Gate II, Shadows of Amn- They can spend another 9 years trying to make a game as great as this one, and they still won't. The entire Baldur's Gate series was great, and the second half really took off and did amazing things. This game still has immense replay value thanks to the great modders out there who keep bringing out new content for it, new NPCs, new areas, total conversions of the engine...it's great fun to mix and match the different mods to see how they work together. The plot was tight, the voice acting (David Warner as Irenicus was genius) was great, the game immersed you in the Forgotten Realms and never let you out. Just recently I started playing it again because of a few new mods and it is as engrossing as ever. Sure, I may have the early parts more or less memorized, but I still love playing it and seeing all the interactions different NPCs have and have every story play out.

Honorable Mentions: Bard's Tale, Knights of Legend, Darklands, Ultima VI, Baldur's Gate I, Betrayal at Krondor, Wizardry 6: Bane of the Cosmic Forge, Wizardry 7: Crusaders of the Dark Savant, the Gold Box games, but especially Gateway to the Savage Frontier and Treasures of the Savage Frontier.

Worst RPG: Knights of the Old Republic II - This game is definitely the most crushingly disappointing sequel ever released. The real problem is that so much of the game was great; the extended modification of items, the fact that you essentially founded a New Jedi Order by training all your followers as Jedi, the threads and mysteries and hints of where the story and characters of the previous game went to. Unfortunately, the people making this game were like the DM who spends so much time planting items and creating neat NPCs and plotting specific battles and side-quests that he doesn't realize that his plot arc is incomprehensible nonsense that has no ending. I mean no damn ending. An "end" implies a resolution, the tying up of plot threads and conclusion of a narrative. This f'ing game just stopped.

Gentlemen, it has been fun stomping your intellects to mush.

RIP Gary Gygax

2008-03-04T21:45:00.002-05:00

Lots of other people have said, or are going to say this, in a better way, but:

Thank you, Gary Gygax. Thank you. Many of the most memorable times in my life involve slinging dice, slaying monsters, and engaging in dramatic derring-do and heroic exploits that I'd never, ever have had a chance to do otherwise. Some of my best friends, I wouldn't even know without the bond of D&D. And without computer RPGs that worked off of his paradigm, who knows if I'd be on the career path I am? They made me start writing stories...

Anyway, thank you, Gary Gygax, and RIP. If I could make my players all do without Saving Throws at the next session without a general mutiny, I would. I hope you realize how many lives your creation touched.

Great Videogame Throwdown: First Person Shooters

2008-02-20T10:16:00.006-05:00

There Can Be Only One

Folks, this is it when it comes to FPS for the LBAM. Halo is the balls, the tits, the bag of chips, several full kegs of whoopass, and your personal savior all rolled into one. You can keep your Doom, your Half-Life, your Duke Nukem. I'll be over here with the Master Chief turning Covenant into a fine purple mist.

The Great Game Throwdown: Sports

2008-02-19T21:01:00.003-05:00

This time, my esteemed competition has really, truly fallen flat on their faces. Philosophy of Time Travel neglected to include any actual "sports" games on his list. And Soul Kerfuffle's list is so very, very wrong that I am forced to conclude that he cannot successfully pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel, much less actually play a sports-related video game with anything more than a simian-level of success. So it is definitely time for the LBAM to set the record straight.

5 AND 4. NCAA Football 2004/Madden 2004 - Both of my esteemed colleagues ragged on the Madden franchise (not without reason) and by extension the NCAA Football franchise, since it is in many ways similar to Madden. Well, I think the 2004 versions of these games on the Xbox were probably the pinnacle of these particular franchises, and I link them together because the amount of fun had playing the game was increased exponentially when you could, in the NFL, draft players that you had also recruited out of high school. Nothing beat seeing NFL rosters full of actual players from colleges. The drawback, of course, was that by 2012, you had rosters full of "WR#4" and "DE#98" and "QB#2." Supposedly there was some guy who had a little internet business going where he would, for a nominal fee (I believe it was $5) mailed to him along with the memory card of your choice, return to you a completely renamed roster of all the teams in the game with real player names. Clearly, a saintly man, though I suspect an urban legend.

At any rate, Madden was still good in 2004, and featured lots of little innovations that I enjoyed; training camp drills that could help a player progress, the "owner" mode where you took over all the aspects of running a team (down to the price of beer, hot dogs, and parking) and could even relocate. I promptly made the New Orlean Saints into the Las Vegas Coyotes, complete with awesome logo and a howling sound effect when I made big plays that eventually got really, really annoying. I definitely think Madden and NCAA went downhill after this year, but they were still great then.

3. MVP Baseball 2004 - The ability to play minor-league baseball games in ridiculous uniforms in tiny stadiums with signage all over the walls. In other words, pure win.

2. Grand Theft Auto III - What, flipping wicked tricks in a stolen porsche isn't a sport? Beating hookers to death can't be a sport? Setting bums on fire with a flamethrower isn't a sport? Shooting down police helicopters, not competitive? Alright, fine. I don't have a #2 game. No soccer, basketball, boxing, or hockey game I've ever played is good enough to be on this list. Tough.

1. Earl Weaver Baseball II - Quite simply the greatest baseball game ever. EWB and EWB II paved the way for real baseball physics, full-season simulation, realistic managerial AI, 3D views, real player names, real stadium dimensions. Certainly, it was not without its glitches (like outfielders getting stuck against the wall on a hot shot to the corner - not to mention injuring themselves without fail in certain parks) but it was baseball that looked, played, and acted much more like the real thing than anything that came before it. In some cases, it looks, plays, and acts better than some games that have come long after it. Of course, one of the major bonus parts of this particular game was that it came with a book on baseball strategy by The Earl himself, and that the AI of the computer manager was essentially Earl.

Worst Ever:

I'm tempted to just say "any soccer game ever," in order to piss off SK, but that'd just be too easy.

I'm gonna go with the late 90s to early 2000s versions of All-Star Baseball, not just for the appearance of Derek Jeter on the cover, but for the fact that there was simply no f'ing way to make the computer stop messing with your lineups. Couldn't be done. Simulate more than a game or two, and you'd go check on your team and find out that suddenly your catcher had been sent to AAA, your #3 starter was now in the bullpen, and your best leadoff hitter was batting 7th. It was chaos.

Honorable Mention: Front Page Sports Football/Baseball by Sierra. Sierra, of course, rarely made bad games, and while these series eventually fell to the EA juggernaut, in the mid-90s the franchise/career options and level of statistical sophistication in these games was way, way beyond what EA offered. The Baseball series in particular featured a program called "Data In" where you could enter the stat line of any player, and he would then be in the game's database as a free agent. I loaded in the Baseball Encyclopedia's list of the top 100 players, plus a few more for good measure, and drafted teams. Good times.

Great Videogame Throwdown: Sim/Strategy Games

2008-02-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, Philosophy of Time Travel, SoulKerfuffle, and the LBAM all generally agreed on the top adventure games, mostly because all smart people (obviously, including your Omnipotent Blogging Triumvirate) agree by consensus that the Adventure Game attained perfection sometime between 1989 and 1992.

Fortunately, the LBAM's intellect dwarfs that of his esteemed companions* and so he is prepared to club them into mewling submission with his discussion of strategy/simulation games.
Without further ado, the greatest Simulation/Strategy Games Ever

5. War in Middle Earth - Talk about kicking it old school. This baby was released in 1988 (random thought: oh Sweet Holy Christ, that was 20 motherfu&^ing years ago and I remember it with clarity. I am practically the undead) and was definitely the first glimpse I ever got at a real-time strategy game, and even better it was set, obviously, in Middle Earth! What more could a budding gamer geek have asked for? This was the entire War of the Ring in one game; you started with control of the Hobbits out in the Shire, Theodred and his Eored of 120 cavalry, and Faramir with 200 rangers. Come too close to an enemy with troops, and the balloon went up. Believe me, there was nothing sending you scrambling for the "restart" option like brushing past Minas Morgul with Faramir while sending him to go retrieve something and watching 10,000 Orcs, the Corsairs, the Haradrim, the Easterlings, and a few hundred Olog-Hai suddenly marching on Minas Tirith, with only the Tower Guard and a hundred knights or too in place. No Rohirrim, no muster of Gondor...truly, it was pants-crappingly terrifying. Especially considering that this could happen while Frodo and the Ring were still in Hobbiton.

Anyway, this was a great game, very complex, everything that is in the books is in the game; Bombadil, Radagast, the Barrow Wights, the Grey Company...everything. Not to mention the fact that besides the War in Rohan and Gondor, you had to manage attacks by Sauron's forces in Lorien and Erebor. The entire map of Middle Earth was open to you, and there were encounters and treasures to be had all over. Just a great game, especially considering the era it debuted.

4. Covert Action - Best spy game ever; quite possibly the only spy game I ever played, but nonetheless, this game had it all as a spy game; wiretaps, car chases, cryptography, breaking and entering, then checking out hot babes at the end. Depending on how your mission turned out, you could regale the, uh, local talent at the laundromat with tales of your badass spyhood, or entertain bikini-clad chicks on the beach, lovingly rendered in beautiful, 16-color VGA. God bless the early 90s.

3. Warlords - We've all played it. We've all played it for 14 hours straight, most likely, perhaps only interrupted by meals. Definitely one of the granddaddies of the turn-based strategy genre on the PC, the game had almost endless replay value given the different factions and difficulty levels. Great game.

2. Master of Orion - You can keep your "Starcraft" and other nonsense. I'll be over here, playing the real sci-fi strategy game, kicking ass, taking names, and sucking your fleet into nothingness with my black-hole generators as the Psilons. Seriously, was there anything cooler than being able to design your own starships, from snub-fighters to huge cruisers, mixing armor, shields, weapons, maneuverability, computers, and special systems? What a huge geek I was; I would pick a 'theme' of names for my starships, like, say, celestial phenomena (Nova, Corona, etc) and then, the first cruiser I built would be the "Nova" class, or whatever, and the first upgrade was "Nova II," then "Nova III" and so on. Yeah. Geek.

1. Wing Commander II - What a great game. Best space combat ever. There were some elements of the original Wing Commander that were probably better, but this had a great storyline, especially considering how it changed depending on how successfully you pulled off your missions. That particular feature is what keeps this game on the list and the X-Wing series games off of it; it was stupid that you had to complete a mission perfectly in order to advance to the next one. Among my finest moments; taking out a Kilrathi supply ship using the crappiest ship, which, if I recall correctly, was the Ferret.

Honorable Mentions: Star Wars: Rebellion, X-Wing, TIE Fighter, Wing Commander, Wing Commander: Armada, Jagged Alliance, Earthsiege, Battle of Britain...I could go on and on. Why, exactly, did we put Sim and Strategy games together? Whose idea was that? PoTT, I'm lookin' at you...

Edit: Worst Strategy Game Ever - Dwarf Fortress - There isn't enough wtf to decry this game with. I mean come on. If you're going to expect me to care about the lives smelly, hairy little dwarves lead, at least have the decency to present them in some way that doesn't make me cross-eyed. I gave up trying to decipher awful ascii graphics when I was 8. I suppose if you're pining for 1982 and your old Amiga, you might find some nostalgia benefit from this heap of crap. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time. why the hell should I care what a bunch of little @ signs do? I don't. You can't make me. Sorry, but games that are in the gutter looking up at Tron for advice on graphics and presentation get no love from me.

*Excluding the following fields; computer programming, understanding of financial systems, environmental engineering, math of absolutely any kind, systems engineering, playing internet poker, not throwing up at weddings, totally, massively, and unrepentantly twinking out D&D characters.

Top Adventure Games

2008-01-25T16:31:00.001-05:00

Welcome the third installment in the Great Gaming Throwdown. My estimable opponents, Soul Kerfuffle and The Philosophy of Time Travel have already shared their thoughts, and it is time for mine.

5. Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards

You're lying if you say you didn't give in and furiously abuse yourself at least once while looking at the covers of these games in the Sierra On-line brochures that came in your King's Quest games. There were chicks with huge boobs in tight, low cut tops. At 13, that is all you need. Of course, if you actually got a copy somehow and played it, you were probably disappointed, and know that this game is extremely tame by today's standards. Even so, you'll get a good giggle if you go play it now. Completely and utterly tongue-in-cheek, totally unable to take itself seriously, this game would never be made today in the same way. I read that a sequel is in the works, but I'm guessing it'll just be lots of pixel porn. And hey, remember, I am very okay with that...but the lightheartedness about it all is just not something that would happen today. And that's a shame.

4. King's Quest V: Absence Makes the Heart Go Yonder

This was the first King's Quest game that I actually owned, and I have quite a soft spot for it still. I fired it up a little over a year ago after finding it for download and enjoyed the hell out of finding the damn tambourine and helping the ants and spying on the bandits. Just a great game all around.

3. King's Quest VI: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow

Everything about V is doubly true about VI. Never did play VII or VIII. Not sure I want to, given what I've heard. Like the above game, I grabbed it and fired it up last November. If you'll allow me to get just a wee bit maudlin for a moment, it was right after my dad died, and I needed something to put me in another world for a while. This game did that, and I literally played it for 24 hour straight, start to finish. I didn't quite get a perfect score, though; missed it by 1. Still, the game helped me escape for a while. Isn't that what games are for?

Bonus points if you know who the principal antagonist, Abdul Alhazred, is named after. No fair looking it up.

2. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The Graphic Adventure

Most games tied to a movie are going to disappoint. This one did not. One of the things this game did better than any other adventure game was give you multiple ways to achieve a desired end. For example, to get on the Zeppelin, you could just buy tickets. If you hadn't accumulated enough cash, you could fight the ticket-clerk. Unfortunately for you, he was a Bronze Medal Winner in Welterweight at the 1936 Olympics. Of course, you could bypass the Zeppelin entirely by stealing a plane, if, all the way back in Venice, you'd read the right book that gave you the necessary instructions for starting one. You could save the Grail and return it to the Knight. Hell, you could save Elsa if you were quick enough. The game had almost endless replay value.

Check out some videos here and here. The last one is of Indy fighting Biff the Nazi, who was impossible to defeat in a straight fight. Which is why you'd get him drunk by filling some giant trophy with beer from the castle's kitchen. See what I mean about it being a great game?

1. Conquest of the Longbow: The Legend of Robin Hood

Robin Hood is one of those legends I just seem to have grown up knowing. I couldn't point you to the book or movie or show or toy that started it. I just knew it. And invariably, almost every movie, or novel, or game that attempts to retell it fails. There have been valiant efforts, but none of them really worked the way I wanted them to.

But this game is the Robin Hood legend. It really is. This game is every Robin Hood movie, novel, RPG, and video game you've ever wanted rolled into one. Robin Hood engaging in quarterstaff fights? Check. Sneaking into the archery contest in Nottingham in disguise? Check. Affair with Maid Marian? Check. Merry Men, including Will Scarlett, Little John, Friar Tuck, Much the Miller's Son, and Alan a'Dale? Check, check, check, check and check. Evil sheriff and corrupt bishop? Check. Stealing from the rich? Check. And so much, much more. The game is framed around raising enough money to ransom King Richard from the Holy Land, but there are subquests and side-plots galore. You can go play Nine-Men's-Morris, an ancient ancestor of games like checkers, at any time, and you have to, at one point. And there is a sliding scale of variable endings. If you've been an evil bastard, when Richard gets home, he'll hang your green-clad ass. If you've been good, but not great, a position as King's Forester, but no marriage to Maid Marian for you. And that's only if you live through the game and get to the end with enough coin to free Richard. It's very possible to die in all manner of hideous and awful ways.

I cannot emphasize enough that no modern game is ever likely to come close to the depth and scale of the Robin Hood legend that this game did, and it was made in 1992. Do yourself a favor, and go download it. You won't regret a second you spend playing it.

Worst Adventure Game Ever:

Loom: Yeah, I know people just slob this game's knob when they talk about design and the kinds of things Lucasarts was doing in the late 80s and early 90s. Granted, Lucasarts was doing some fantastic stuff, but don't give me an epic fantasy about a magic weaver named Bobbin who plays magical tunes on his distaff. There isn't enough wtf to describe the inherently ludicrous and pussified premise of this game. Stupid, stupid, stupid. If I wanted to play a weaver I'd go play some flaccidified (yeah, it's a word) diceless RPG called Peasant: The Quest for Subsistence about the trades that dirty, ugly, diseased, shit-covered illiterate peasantry took up in order to move their life along till its inevitable and hoped-for conclusion. Piece of crap.

The Great Game Throwdown: Platformers

2008-01-24T09:46:00.000-05:00

In volume 2 of the Great Game Throwdown, Soul Kerfuffle, The Philosophy of Time Travel, and the LBAM will discuss platformers.

This is a particularly easy post for me to decide on best and worst. To wit, the best platformer of all time is....

None. Platformers suck. Let's explore this in detail.

Why the hell are there platforms in random places? Why is LAVA flowing between them? LAVA, for Christ's sake. Why do short falls that might cause a bruise or contusion deadly? Why are there piston-like pumping things that I have to run under or be squashed by? Toss in the 2D graphics, the complete lack of reasonable plot or character, and what you have is the single greatest swindle that video game companies have ever perpetrated upon the modern gamer. PLATFORMERS SUCK, AND IT IS TIME CONSUMERS REALIZE THIS.

Let's look at the most famous example of platforming of them all, Mario. Lesse...Mario is a short, fat, Italian plumber named "Mario Mario" who dreams of pasta and pizza and usually only utters simple phrases like "It's a-me, Mario!"He kills turtles by jumping on them, and is so desperate for gold coins he actually leaps down giant sewer pipes after them. What is Nintendo telling us? That Italians and Italian-Americans are short, fat, dumb, violent, greedy manual laborers who don't mind rooting through sewage for cash. Wonderful.

Further, they desire drugs, as portrayed by Mario's liberal use of fire flower and obsession with mushrooms, even to the point of chasing after some dumpy little chick named "Princess Mushroom," who promised a lot but never made with the goods. A metaphor for addiction, folks.

Platformers are a scam. Sonic the Hedgehog is an insult to your intelligence. Mario is a stereotype. Platformers suck. The end.

Joint Blog Venture on Videogames...

2008-01-22T21:12:00.000-05:00

wherein I school my bloggin' buddies, Soul Kerfuffle and The Philosophy of Time Travel on what constitutes good video gamin'.

First up: The Top Fighting Game.

Look, I know there are probably people who value fighting games for martial arts styles, storylines, graphics, and all that, but to the LBAM there is one, and one determining factor alone; the quality of the video rendered cheesecake. And I think we all know that means the victor is none other than
Dead or Alive 3/4.

Why, do you ask? I believe I'll let Helena here make my argument for me.

You'll note that she is very eloquent. Poetic, even. And she was ably portrayed in the movie by Canadian tartlet Sarah Carter:

I suppose she was ably played, anyway. The closest I've come to watching it is doing Google Image searches for Ms. Carter.

The game gets extra points for its accurate depiction of varied fighting styles and...oh hell, it has the best computer animated cleavage ever. That makes it the greatest fighting game. Period.

Worst Fighting Game Ever: Star Wars: Masters of the Teräs Käsi. Almost certainly the worst Star Wars video game ever made, this featured some kind of fictional fighting tournament involving Han, Leia, Luke, Darth Vader, Boba Fett, a Tusken Raider, a Gammorrean Guard, etc. Now, the LBAM enjoyed many a rowdy and beer-soaked hour of playing this game in college (the fairer sex were simply not ready for the LBAM experience yet. Knowing this, I wisely avoided them and spent all my time playing video games and RPGs, biding my time until they'd developed the necessary hardiness), but as a piece of Star Wars gaming and as a fighting game, it failed miserably. A person who mastered Darth Vader or Luke's most special move could absolutely, without a doubt, win an entire round without even needing to come near their opponent. One might argue that's as it should be, however, lightsabers in that game worked about as well as clubs. Why any game would try to portray a Tusken Raider fighting Boba Fett, much less Darth Vader, is beyond me.

In closing, I shall let another haracter from DOA present an argument:

In closing, no, I am not above pasting cheesecake shots of lovingly rendered cleavage in order to win this argument.

Top 5 List of Stuff That Will Suck in 2008

2008-01-14T20:36:00.000-05:00

5. The Baltimore Orioles

Lesse...one month from spring training, the rebuilding has consisted of one trade, there's no starting CF or SS, the 2B, #1 starter, catcher, 3B, 2 of the three "suspects" (I won't say possibilities) for 1B are a year older, suckier, and probably impossible to trade. Kevin Millar looks like the cleanup hitter, the possibilities at short are too dismal to contemplate (Brandon Fahey, Freddy Bynum, Luis Hernandez...you look 'em up, I'm too distressed at the numbers to do it for you), and there are no top flight position players in the high minors ready to make an impact. Granted, there is some light at the end of the tunnel...but that tunnel goes to at least 2010 (when Wieters, Reimold, et al, will definitely be hitting the bigs).

4. The Baltimore Ravens

No QB. The anchor of the O-line is almost certainly retiring, and no matter who you try to draft or pick up, you cannot just replace Jonathon Ogden; that guy has to be on any reasonable person's short list of greatest left tackles in NFL history (Jackie Slater, Anthony Munoz, Johnathon Ogden...I'm willing to listen to any suggestions of up to 2 other names on that list, but it starts with those three). Ray Lewis is a year older, slower, more injury prone. Todd Heap can't stay on the field at all anymore. Nothing in the defensive backfield anymore except Ed Reed (and he blows too many coverages trying to make big plays). No QB is going to show up in the draft to resurrect this franchise. What QBs are in this draft? Matt Ryan? Please. This team is going to suck.

3. The WGA Strike

Let me clarify; I am not against the writers, their right to strike, or their reasons for doing so. I fully support it. However, it's going to keep crap like "Duel" and "Moment of Truth" and "American Idol" on my TV. And nobody needs that. C'mon, studio execs...give up that 4 cents of DVD sales, or whatever it is the WGA is asking for. You're already on the "first up against the wall and shot" list. Don't make us move up the timetable on the revolution.

2. Having to wait till at least the fall to read "A Dance with Dragons."

Damnit, George, finish the effing book already.

1. The Presidential Election

I hate these damn things. I really do. And I'm uncertain if I like any of the candidates this year enough to actually want to vote for them. And the advertising, my God, the advertising, the non-stop radio and TV and newspaper stories...I hate it all so very, very much. The worst part of the election process is, probably, the fact that nobody who actually should be president is going to be motivated to subject themselves to the process.

Well, there it is; a short list of stuff I will no doubt use this space to bitch about in the coming months. Who wants a beer?

Top 5 of 2007

2008-01-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

Unlike some other folks, the LBAM does not acknowledge the possibility of there being enough positive in one calendar year to warrant a top 10 list. Ergo, a top 5.

5. G.I. Joe 25th Anniversary Figures Released

See the link for the toy blog for many...I mean, many...more detailed thoughts on these. Fantastic toys in every way possible. Quite probably the apex of 3 and 3/4 inch toy design in every way; articulation, sculpting, detail, etc. Yeah, I put toys on my top 5 list. I'm not ashamed.

4. Cal Ripken Inducted into the Hall of Fame

There aren't, I don't think, many people besides Orioles fans and Padres fans who can understand exactly what the induction ceremony in Cooperstown meant this past summer. It wasn't just about two incredibly deserving players going in at the same time; there was something poignant, something that felt almost scripted, about these two players joining the most hallowed company in sports at this particular time. Baseball remains embroiled in a major P.E.D. controversy, one that is tainting records, splattering question marks all over baseball history, will almost certainly deny some players entry into the Hall, and may send some to jail. Then there's the fact that free agency has redefined the concept of 'team' in sports, and that we are, as Seinfeld said, essentially rooting for laundry. A poignant reminder of that fact is that the three Oriole shirts I own are all essentially obsolete; Tejada was traded, Roberts will be, and Gibbons is persona non grata. Now that's all those shirts are; laundry. Granted, free agency is undoubtedly good for the game as a whole, and players should be able to sell their services for whatever the market will bear. No doubt.

Even so, Cal and Tony's election undoubtedly marked the end of an era; home-grown talent playing not just for the same team, but for their home team for an entire career. Neither career carried a whiff of scandal, and both players were and remain cheerful, approachable ambassadors for the game of baseball itself. Both are still active in their communities, and worshiped by their fan bases. I watched Cal from the time I was old enough to pay attention to baseball till the year I started graduate school. And for all but the last three seasons, an Orioles fan going to a game knew he was going to see Cal play. That may seem like a small thing, but think about it for a second. Parents taking kids to see a game were never going to have to explain about resting, or being on the DL, or being hurt or suspended or in rehab. No coach or mom or dad ever had to explain to a kid who worshiped Ripken or Gwynn why the paper had pictures of one or the other with a woman who wasn't his wife, or why a fan or member of the media got punched or cursed at. That mattered. It still should.

And finally, for me, Ripken's induction was about growing up. Inevitably, the realization that your childhood hero has been retired for five years is a reminder that it isn't all playtime anymore. I don't worship baseball players anymore. Except one.

3. The Mitchell Report

Baseball needed to wade through the mud of this scandal. It still has to. To remain great it has to acknowledge all the dirt before it gets clean again. The Mitchell Report was a great first step. And the morning it was released felt like early Christmas, just waiting to see the names and find out who really did. It was glorious to see Clemens go down. Now will somebody just nail David "The Slaad" Ortiz?

On a side note...when Juiced came out almost three years ago, who would've guessed that Canseco would be pretty much vindicated by now as the one guy telling the truth about all this. Anyone? If you raised your hand, you're lying.

2. Having a niece.

I haven't met her yet, but she is just way too cute not to have on this list somewhere. Unfortunately, the Official Brother of LBAM only sends pictures so huge they make the laptop smoke and scream and beg for mercy, so none will be posted here. Available upon request.

1. Getting married.

I could take the cheap way and say that if I didn't put this at #1, the Official Wife of LBAM would take harsh steps*, but getting married was pretty cool. I definitely think we will take the cake for shortest Church Wedding Service ever; I didn't clock it, but it didn't last longer than 15 minutes, which is a bonus. The reception was a good time, though with one caveat; during the run-up to the wedding, we were excited about all the people we were going to get to see, but during the reception itself we barely had time to spend with any of them. I feel guilty that some people drove for ten or fourteen hours so that I could talk to them for roughly 8 minutes.

*And I hate sleeping on the futon.

Things I Learned from Fantasy Novels Volume 1

2007-12-18T23:20:00.000-05:00

Just a list of bits of wisdom culled from a lifetime of reading fantasy novels, playing RPGs, reading RPGs, etc etc.

1. Be absolutely certain that the Dark Lord is dead. Do not simply assume that because you have destroyed his minions, scattered his armies, torn down his fortress, and destroyed his weapon(s) that he is now powerless. Guaranteed, a few eons/epochs/ages/millennia, that sumbitch is coming back to wreak vengeance unless you MAKE FRICKIN' SURE.

2. Never trust a Churchman. I'm not talking about the humble, homespun robe wearing, hermit sort. But anyone possessing the equivalent fantasy rank of monsignor or higher should be immediately killed.

3. All jewelry should be immediately destroyed or discarded with plausible deniability.

4. Do not trust dwarves bearing gold.

5. Elves are pussies. That is, unless, you push them a little too far. In that case they will revert back to their roots, put on war paint, break out the bows and spears, and start disappearing into the forest. This is when the "making merry in wooded glens" ceases and the cold-blooded killing starts. When this happens, you are well and truly hosed.

6. Wizards are either mostly useless, or running the world. There ain't much middle ground.

7. Princesses are just not worth the trouble.

8. Neither are the talking animals.

9. Sexy sorceresses are invariably evil, and thus not worth it*.

10. You are not smarter than the dragon, unless you have a reliable source of invisibility.

*Editor's note: May, in fact, be worth it.

Will add as time goes on. Feel free to make suggestions!

Roch Kubatko is a Jock Sniffing Turd

2007-12-10T21:13:00.000-05:00

And other things that have pissed me off lately.

First things first, here is where Roch Kubatko demonstrates his aforementioned Jock-Sniffing-Turdiness, in a blog entry about Jay Gibbons' suspension for receiving illegal PEDs. The gist is that Gibbons should be quickly forgiven because he was a man about it all, took responsibility, even "offer[ed] a plausible explanation."

Sure, Gibbons took responsibility, now that he got caught. Once the investigators back you into a corner and say, "here are the credit card receipts, here is the proof that you bought all these illegal drugs" it's easy to admit you did it. As for offering a plausible explanation, well...Gibbons said he took a doctor's advice, to recover from injuries more quickly. [Expect this excuse to get very popular soon]. Was Gibbons suffering from any of the following; multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, Crohn's disease, renal failure, short bowel syndrome, idiopathic short stature? No. Oh. Then why did his doctor recommend it? Probably because it was a prescription mill in another state that was selling the stuff over the internet.

Not to mention this sampling of Jay Gibbons quotes from the past few years:

November 2005: "We want to end the problem now and get back to playing ball and not worrying about steroids every day."(The problem being PED/steroid use).

October 2006: "I have passed every test administered by Major League Baseball over all the years. I have never taken anabolic steroids. And I am not going to dignify these claims and accusations with any further response." (Responding to Grimsley).

That's not "taking responsibility." That's "choosing one's words carefully" and, less precisely, "lying" and "being a dishonest shit."

But we're supposed to forgive him for this, eh Roch? No. No, I think not. But I think what we are supposed to do is understand that you don't want to take a hard line with any of the players, that you want to keep being a warehouse mouthpiece, that you want to keep cracking lame jokes on your blog and not knowing much about what makes a baseball player, or team, any good. Roch Kubatko: jock sniffing turd. (Note, I am going to keep saying that...Roch Kubatko is a jock sniffing turd...because my sincere hope is to somehow link the terms "jock sniffing turd" and "Roch Kubatko" in Google searches, so that if someone types in Roch Kubatko they will see references to "jock sniffing turd," or that if...and it could happen...they type in "jock sniffing turd" they get Roch Kubatko. My Christmas gift to Orioles fans).

Now, today, Gibbons says he's going to try to win the fans back. To wit: "All I can do is go out there and try to play good baseball and try to win them back. That's my goal."

Given that Gibbons appears to not yet have actually played good baseball at any time in the past several years, I must assume one of two things. First, he has not tried to play good baseball. In that case, the fact that he is going to try this year should make all the difference.

On the other hand, it seems entirely possible that a .314 OBP and a 101 OPS+ is exactly what Jay's capable of, since that what he has done in 779 ML AB, and that trying to play good baseball isn't going to make an ass-hair's width of difference.

Some other random thoughts.

Really looking forward to that Mitchell report. I mean really. I just hope Andy MacPhail gets some of his tradin' done before that thing comes out. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize there is, above all, one player I do not want to see on the Mitchell Report: Pedro.

Yes, that Pedro. Why? Because he is, without a doubt, the best pitcher I have ever seen, the best pitcher I will probably ever see, and in the running for best at doing whatever it is he does in ANY category that I've ever seen. I want to believe that the weird, brilliant, crazy, genius Pedro was real. I want to believe that the ERA+ of 291 (TWO. NINE. ONE. GOOD GOD THAT IS INSANE. SANDY KOUFAX NEVER CRACKED 200!!!!!!) in 2000 was real, untainted. I want to believe that he was just that freakin' good. I want to believe that at least one natural talent went out there against all those 'roided and leaded hitters and made them look like fools. Even when those hitters were playing for my beloved Orioles.

It boils down to this; the few times I saw Pedro pitch in person (and many many times on TV) I genuinely felt I was watching somebody do the thing he was born to do, and doing it inimitably. That's rare. I don't want the Mitchell report to cheapen that. I really don't.

The People You Meet in Grad School, Continued

2007-11-09T17:06:00.000-05:00

11. The Guy Who is Working Way Too Hard to Pay his Bills - "No, sorry, I can't come to the reading on Friday. I have to pick up a shift at Ruby Tuesday's. And come to think of it, during the study session scheduled for Monday, I'll be teaching one of my classes at the community college. Which one? Crap, I'm not sure. Let me check my organizer. *phone rings* Wait, gotta answer that...it's my boss at the tutoring company. Sleep? I'll sleep when I have a 40 hour work week. Class? No, no class for me this week...rent is due."

12. The Suburban Neo-Hippie Buddhist - This person probably likes butterflies, tea, and fruit. He/she writes lots about meditation and always makes sure to drop references to yoga class into everyday conversation. Whimsical scarves tied in intricate knots, and never removed, are a must in winter. There is also a high probability of unique hats. Needless to say, it is really easy to be a Hippie when you grew up in a posh suburb with yuppie parents. They write intensely felt, cramped poems about how cool nature is.

13. The Thrift Store Fashion Designer - This person, usually female, wears only "vintage" clothing, which is to say "purchased at Goodwill on a $40/season a budget." This budget is because she needs to save the rest of her money for weed. Once again, long, usually feathered and/or fluffy scarves are going to be in evidence, as are leggings under dresses, jeans under dresses, etc. Life is a stage, and she is the main character in a tragi-dramedy penned by some demented, post flower-power Ibsen. At least in her own mind. In everyone else's mind, she's an annoying hack. Possibly also a subset of the "Affected Poseur" above, but unique enough to have its own classification.

14. The Guy Who Only Reads Classics - If it isn't written in meter by a dead white man, or possibly, maybe, a dead white woman, this dude won't read it. And you can just forget about poetry in translation, unless it's the Holy of Holies, Beowulf and/or The Canterbury Tales. But in the case of those he's read them in the original anyway. He wants to discuss the most obscure of Shakespeare's plays and poems, and will feign horror that you can't. He's thinking, maybe, he ought to get around to reading those two fellows he's heard so much about, named Eliot and Auden.

The People You Meet in Graduate School, Volume I

2007-11-08T12:36:00.000-05:00

I think every sphere of society, especially once things start to get broken down by expertise and interest, has certain "types," inescapable sorts that you are going to meet when you enter that sphere. This will be a first attempt at listing some of the people you meet in graduate school, in particularly, graduate school for English/Creative writing.

1. The Failed Scientist/Math Major - This person was going to be an engineer, a physicist, an astronaut, but couldn't hack it. He/she isn't a bad person, and may very well be good at English, but if they're in an MFA program, then everything they write is somehow related to their former field, and only they understand the "beauty" of molecular hemo-renooberating cyclohydralone systems.

2. The Only-Talks-About-One-Author Guy- From personal experience, Beckett is a favorite of these mooks. And really, they'll make the author they talk about apply to anything. Real conversation from a grad school party circa 2002:
Me: "Really, I don't think Urlacher is as good as Ray Lewis. Faster, maybe, but he doesn't hit as well or make as many tackles for loss."
Wanker/Bears Fan: "No way. Urlacher's so fast. He played safety in college. He's so great."
Me: "Well, faster, maybe, I already said that. But not as..."
Only-Talks-About-Beckett Guy: "Really, it's like a Beckett story, where a guy crawls around hell carrying a net bag full of cans of tuna, looking for the other guy crawling around hell with the can opener, but when he finds him, all the can-opener guy does is score his skin with it..."

Honestly, I'm not exaggerating this.

3. The Questionable Admission - "Shakespeare? Guh. BORRRRING. The only poets I can stand are Shel Silverstein and Dr. Seuss."

4. The Affected Poseur - You see these people all over any college campus, and in any bookstore, bar, or coffee shop anywhere near a college campus. They have precious little journals and gel pens, or laptops, and they want to make sure everyone sees them engaging in their tortured, solitary quest for literary and academic success. These tragic wastes of blood are also likely to sport any of the following; black frame glasses, meticulously mussed hair, tight black jeans, carefully rumpled flannel shirts, workboots (note- only in the academic sense, as they have never actually 'worked'), emo haircuts, ascots, sweatbands, etc. The sad thing is, some of them have enough talent and/or brains to fool program admissions committees into letting them in, and then the affected poseur-ness gets ramped up like you won't believe; they're seen reading copies of Proust, Bakhtin, Lacan, or Blake, or Mayakovsky at all times, and their poetry is usually a giant steaming heap of crap.

5. The Career-Oriented Mercenary - "I am going to the program I can complete in the least amount of time. I already did my M.A. at University of Pennsyltucky, where I used a creative thesis, so I can spin that into my thesis for this M.F.A. With all my transfer credit, I will graduate in one semester, then I move on to Obscure Southern University, where I can finish a Ph.D. with a creative thesis and a minor in Rhetoric and Composition, so that I will get hired at a good job faster than you. Wait...what poets teach here again? Hrm? No, I only came here because they offered the most money."

6. The Activist - "Art that isn't against war/government/power/wealth isn't art! Anarchy now!" You will find this guy at every protest, sit-in, petition drive, charity event, and pro-3rd party/green party/alternative party/communist party/libertarian party rally within a 50 mile radius of the school. A much feared subtype of this type is the Militant Lesbian. And I'm afraid to say anything bad about them, lest I get a forcible reminder of the growing obsolescence of the male-dominated, repressive, Mother-earth raping, phallo-centric model of society by having my favorite bits strung up a flagpole along with a pair of camo underwear.

7. The So-Buried-In-A-Pile-of-Drugs-You-Wonder-How-They-Get-To-Class Person - "Uh, dude...you've got some...powdered sugar on your lapel there. Oh...oh whoops...there goes your septum. Damn. Somebody call the health center."

8. The Person Who Knows More Obscure Stuff Than You Do - This student only listens to Finnish-folk-metal bands of the 1970s, or possibly post-punk Emo queercore speedmetal/zydeco bands from New Orleans, and their research/reading focus is probably on something like Slovakian Surrealist Drama or Underground French Pro-Vichy poets. Needless to say, they are a hit at parties.

9. The Guy Who Is Really Not Sure Why He's There - "I dunno. Had to do something after college. Beats workin'." Usually this fellow lasts a semester before joining the Marines.

10. The Person Who is Smarter than You, but too Tactful to say so More than Once a Week - This person probably went to an Ivy League School, or maybe a semester at Oxford, and already has some impressive sounding degrees. They know more about your reading/research focus than you do, and can write a 100 line trochaic hexameter epic in heroic couplets and make it good, in about two weeks. They occasionally comment on what you're reading, with something like, "Oh, him. I liked those poems in draft better, but he wouldn't take my advice. You'll see what I mean when the Collected comes out."

This is just a smattering. More as time allows.

Save the Martini

2007-11-02T23:27:00.000-04:00

Tonight, the LBAM and the Official Wife of the LBAM were out to dinner with an aunt and uncle of hers. It was quite a decent little restaurant, good food, portion size was just right, the fish was very good, the atmosphere was pleasant, etc.

They had a long list of cocktails, highlighting their martinis; no less than 8 or 9 of them. Orange. Chocolate. White Chocolate. Apple. Pomegranate.

Pomegranate?

What is this country COMING TO PEOPLE? The martini is one of the classic, iconic, enduring and perfect American inventions. It is right up there with the Constitution, Baseball, and Jazz. These are the 4 things our culture has given civilization; a workable and evolving republic, the greatest sport ever, improvisational music, and the perfect mixed drink.

And, just like everything else we invent, we have to go effing it up with things like astro-turf, women's suffrage*, and Kenny G. That's what the "White Chocolate Martini" is, dammit. That's what the "Appletini" is. They are affronts against Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

There are 2 proper ways to order a martini; gin and vermouth, or vodka and vermouth. Gin is by far better; they're basically the same spirit, but the former has herbs and additives to add, you know, flavor.

On a side note, the whole "premium vodka" craze? Junk. Vodka was invented by people who only had cheap grains and needed to be able to get drunk fast and hard, lest they realize they lived in Russia.

So strike a blow for the American Way, people. You wouldn't watch the Constitution get trampled on, would you? You wouldn't let someone speak of Kenny G. as the "inheritor of Coltrane's legacy" without kicking them in the balls, would you? So why the hell do you let people muck up your martinis with apple and pomegranate and chocolate?

The next time you see someone ordering one of those, smack it out of their hand, and buy them a real martini; Bombay Sapphire and a light ghosting of vermouth (it is also permissible to simply whisper "vermouth" over the glass, or to take a sip of vermouth and blow softly on the gin). A twist, olives, and cocktail onions are all permissible. Big hunks of ginger, pickled or otherwise, are not.

By the way, it's ok if you don't like martinis and prefer apple. It just means you're not ready to sit at the adult table yet, and that's fine.

*This portion of the post not approved by the Official Wife of the LBAM.

Bottom 5: Movie Adaptations

2007-09-26T13:09:00.000-04:00

5. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Guh. Tom Sawyer? WTF? Terrible. Somebody please explain to me why the Nautilus can appear to be 20 stories tall one moment, then be navigating the canals of Venice, undearneath bridges, the next. No wonder Alan Moore wants nothing to do with adapting any of his novels. (Editor's note: We reserve the right to add the upcoming adaptation of "Watchmen" to this list the moment it is released).

4. Dune - The original, by David Lynch. At least, thankfully, that moron Jodorowsky didn't get to make his version, which I addressed here. Still, the Lynch version is pretty craptastic. Paul is far too old, and far too Kyle McLachlan. The whole "heart plug" nonsense is just too weird to be believed. Terrible, terrible movie that missed most of the important parts of the novel.

3. The Scarlet Letter - Now, I'm not a terribly huge fan of Hawthorne. The poor guy just couldn't forgive himself for being descended from Puritans. Then again, somebody probably needed to crap on the Puritans. Even so, the Demi Moore vehicle was an abomination. The novel itself is difficult, but worth the effort. This movie is best used as kindling.
2. Troy- When I heard Wolfgang Peterson was making a movie about the Trojan War, all I could think was: sign me up. I love The Iliad, The Odyssey and The Aeneid, (most especially The Iliad) and when I heard the cast, even Brad Pitt didn't throw me off. Coincidentally, I didn't actually think Brad Pitt was that bad; his physical presence as Achilles was great, as was his movement and fighting- he stood out, he was different, he was great that way. Most of the time that he opened his mouth he sucked, but the scene with Priam begging for Hector's body back was absolute money- then again, it would take somebody on the scale of Eli Roth, Uwe Boll, or Terry Marcel (of Hawk the Slayer fame, for those not in the know) to mess such a wonderful scene up. But most of the rest of the movie sucked frapped dogshite through a straw. They wasted Sean Bean as Odysseus (perfect casting for a role that wound up meaning NOTHING) they played down the violence (really- if you go read The Iliad, it's a whole lot more gory than the movie) they removed the gods, who are absolutely key to the story (except for Thetis, who appeared to talk to Achilles...which just confused the damn issue all kinds of ways). Worst of all, Helen's first line, to Paris, was "Last night was a mistake." Hello people, this is HELEN OF TROY and PARIS, this is the undeniable lust that started a freaking war. This is not an episode of a sitcom where somebody slept with somebody else and regretted it. Terrible. Plus, Menelaus and Agamemnon survived, Achilles and Patroclus were lovers, not cousins, Helen went back to Greece with Menelaus...the list goes on. It's not all about the changes made, it's about the fact that all the changes added up to a really crappy movie.

1. Starship Troopers - This movie falls flat on so many levels compared to the book that it's unbelievable. There are the superficial differences; the complete lack of the power armor that was so essential to the book, the complete and total absence of minor things like "tactics," "strategy" and "discipline" on the part of the MI. There's the huge differences in theme, like the fact that they made it into "Doogie Howser, S.S.," instead of being careful to point out that it wasn't "government by warriors" but rather, that the vote was given to people who entered government service of any kind. If you were a pacifist, they'd still give you government service as a conscientious objector, just like the government will now. If you were deaf and blind, as the book says, they'd give you a job counting the hairs on a catterpillar. The idea was that service led to the vote, not that being in the military led to the vote. There were also 12 year olds in uniforms by the end of that movie.

Also, lest I forget...there was the Big Farting Bug Artillery. When a movie involves Big Farting Bug Artillery, it belongs at the bottom...or the top, depending on how you look at it...of a Bottom 5 list.

R.I.P Robert Jordan

2007-09-19T12:57:00.000-04:00

This is obviously a few days after the fact, since James Rigney, better known as Robert Jordan, passed away on the 15th.

Aside from all the "now I feel bad for joking about how angry I'll be if he dies before he finishes the series" comments there are a few things I want to say. I'm sure you don't have to go far to get the fanboy/fangirl wailing over his demise, and I'm sure you can find even more of the "his books sucked anyway, why should I care" type of stuff, or the bits written in a mockery of his style.

I'm not going to do any of that. I want to say just a couple of things.

First, not all of his books are terrible. The first four books of The Wheel of Time are fantastic. For those alone I would mourn his passing because of the countless hours I spent reading and rereading them in middle school and high school, like when I faked sickness because I had to stay home and read The Great Hunt, which had just come out. You can't just dismiss those kind of memories because of later failures.

I will not ever forget the sense of awe when I read the chapters about Rhuidean in The Shadow Rising. I'll gladly put those scenes up against just about any others in epic fantasy.

And last, and most important, the thing about Jordan I want to salute is, though his reach exceeded his grasp, he attempted something great, and that is, in itself, worthy of a kind of salute. Yes, the later books were often unnecessary, miserable slogs through thrown glances and scraps of paper. Even the much greater earlier books were sometimes overwritten, and often overdescribed. Even so, many authors, in fantasy and out, are content just to get a book done. Especially in fantasy, the expedient, the quick, the simple explanations are often taken because the author wants to conclude the book, maybe write a decent scene or two, and cash a check. I wouldn't doubt that money factored into the number of books that wound up in The Wheel of Time, but I suspect the overwhelming motive was the desire to do something very complex, very awesome, and very difficult; to tell a story in exactly the way he wanted it told, in exactly the way he envisioned it, without cutting corners and without bowing to critical or editorial pressure about "just getting a book done." Sure, the way he wanted it told may not be the way you enjoyed reading it, but it was his world, and he could do what he bloody well pleased with it.

Yes, the later books, especially 8, 10, and the prequel novel, were largely failures. But he never stopped reaching for a dazzling complexity that may have been beyond his powers to fully realize. Regardless, he entertained, he tried to tell a great and huge story, and I appreciate the effort itself, while being aware of both the stunning successes in the early books and the miserable failures of the later books.

Thanks for trying to tell a great story, Mr. Rigney. R.I.P.

Stupid friends...

2007-09-18T10:31:00.001-04:00

...tagging me with stupid internet memes. You are so dead.

But rather than incur the wrath of the mighty internets and its many tubes, I will comply.

Four Jobs I have had

1. Park Attendant - This was my first job. Did it for 3 summers at lovely Mariner Point Park. It really wasn't too bad; got to spend lots of time outdoors, walk around the trails several times a day, listen to tunes. Also I spent lots of time sitting outside our trailer and reading. I also did some work. Mostly hauling trash. Let me tell you; you do not want to deal with 8 overflowing 80 gallon trash cans full of half-empty cans of Natty Bo, crab shells, and ground beef, that have been sitting and cooking in the August sun for 6 hours. Additionally I learned far too much about 2 cycle engine tractor maintenance, since an ugly, day-glo orange tractor was our only working vehicle.

2. Retail Wage Slave - Probably the worst of the jobs here on the list, and done twice; once at a Barnes&Noble, once at a KB Toys. At least in both cases I was getting discounts on stuff I would've bought anyway.

3. Pizza Maker - At the great "Peace a Pizza." To this day that place still has some of the best pizza I've ever eaten.

4. Subway - Not the trains that go underground, the crappy sandwich place. Since I worked at one 5 summers ago, I have never...not ever...eaten food from a Subway.

Four Films I have watched again and again

1. The Big Lebowski - I could watch this movie every week, but if I did, the Official Fiance of the LBAM would probably leave.

2. Lord of the Rings - The extended editions. I have no idea how many times I have watched them. It will never be enough.

3. Star Wars Episode IV - I am a geek, after all.

4. Sin City - For the chicks, or for the badassery.

Four Places I have lived

1. Joppa, Maryland. Hey folks, it's the original seat of the colony of Maryland! Lots of history! (I did my Eagle Scout project on this).

2. Brighton, MA.

3. Watertown, MA. Known as "little Armenia," for the largest population of Armenian folk outside, well, Armenia. Faaaaantastic food around that area.

4. Annandale, Va.

Four Programs I love to watch

1. The Simpsons - Contrary to popular belief, this show has not jumped the shark. Maybe it sagged here and there, but what I've seen of the last two seasons has been great.

2. Good Eats - I have learned more about cooking from watching, reading, and listening to Alton Brown than I could possibly relate. Watch his show. Read his books.

3. Arrested Development - An absolutely fabulous sitcom that Fox killed, probably because their executives couldn't understand it.

4. Scrubs - Watch it in reruns with the fiance almost every night before bed. Great show.

Four Places I have been on vacation

1. London, England. My favorite city on earth. It's a bit expensive, but I'd live there in a heartbeat if I could afford it.

2. Alberta and the Northwest Territories, Canada. The less said about this the better.

3. Ocean City, Md. If you were born in Baltimore, it's required that you go there on vacation at least a few times. I never saw much of the appeal; it's an overcrowded tourist trap.

4. San Diego, Ca. Best place in the world to buy a winter house to spend a few weeks in February. This is on my "if I win a huge lottery" list of things to do. Seriously, nothing beats getting ON the plane in 15 degree weather, and getting off of it in 75 degree weather, walking out on a pier and eating fresh shrimp tacos while you watch dolphins in the surf. That was my introduction to that city. How could I not love it?

Four Foods I love to eat

1. My homemade parsley and mushroom risotto. To steal a phrase from Belkar, I am a sexy shoeless god of cooking. My fiance will back me up on this. Also, note; I said that before Belkar did. I stole his "I am a sexy shoeless god of war!" line while cooking one night. Then like 3 weeks later, he said it in the comic. Again...the fiance will back me up on this.

2. My homemade fried chicken. Soaked in buttermilk overnight, breaded in panko crumbs, deep fried. See above.

3. A good bison burger. Far superior to beef. More flavorful, better for you.

4. My dad's recipe for turkey stuffing. You've got to try it to believe it.

Four Drinks I love to consume

1. Beer. The clear favorite. I won't bother trying to list kinds. And you know what, Oak Ridge National Laboratory? Ya'll can kiss my hairy Irish ass. Obviously they've never tried the RIGHT beer.

2. Mead. Can you feel it in the air? It's Renaissance Festival time, folks. Oh yes. Time to get out the kilt.

3. Coke Zero.

4. Irish or English or Scottish Breakfast Tea. I know nothing about tea blends or types or styles or anything. I do know that usually if it says Irish, English, or Scottish breakfast tea I will like it.

Four Places I would rather be right now

1. A less expensive place to live than Northern Virginia.

2. London.

3. At a baseball game.

4. Hanging out with my dad. There really isn't ever enough time.

I'm not gonna tag anyone for this, because I don't even know four other bloggers.

If there's a steroid scandal...

2007-09-10T19:25:00.001-04:00

...then it must be the Orioles.

Jay Gibbons being linked to hGH and 'roids is the perfect cap to the Os season. A rundown, if you'll humor me.

-Two-fifths of the rotation make a total of 3 starts. All 3 are by Jaret Wright. Kris Benson stays home.

-The $42 million dollar bullpen turns into a punch line. Literally, I mean, Jay Leno used them as a punch line.

-Bizarre rash of injuries. I have never heard of more members of a team being out with the same injury- strained obliques. Hernandez had it, Bedard and Guthrie have it now, and several prominent farmhands had it.

-Setting new records of futility. THIRTY TO THREE. Get no-hit by a rookie in his 2nd MLB start within 10 days. Go 3-15 in the 18 games since you named Dave Trembley the manager for 2008.

-I almost forgot. Fired manager. That makes for 3 managers in 3 years. Joy. Somebody get Grady Little and Davey Johnson on speed-dial. Can't be too prepared.

-Steroid Bust. Orioles or former Orioles now officially linked to steroid investigations and/or failed tests; Palmeiro, Grimsley, Matthews Jr, Hairston Jr, Gibbons.

-A crappy team with no immediate hope. By immediate I mean any time before 2010. By which time Bedard and Roberts will both be long gone.

-The likelihood of resigning Corey Patterson in the off-season. I keep hearing people talk about the things Corey contributes that don't show up in stats, even stats like OPS+. The things Corey does DO in fact show up in the stats. They show that Corey is bad at baseball. He will be our CF for the next two years, at least. Joy.

At this point, I am waiting for one of the following:

1. A big wife-swapping scandal. Perhaps they've just been running trains on the ball-girls in the clubhouse. That might explain all the "strained obliques."

2. A story comes out that Brian Roberts only goes to visit kids in hospitals in order to steal their pain pills, like that dumbass ESPN show "Playmakers."

3. An intrepid investigative reporter turns up proof that one of Miguel Tejada, Melvin Mora, or Ramon Hernandez have been running a multi-million dollar cockfighting ring in the offseason.

Really, is this rock-bottom? Can the Orioles go lower? I say they can. I can't wait.

New Blog Venture

2007-08-28T00:46:00.001-04:00

http://lbamtoyreview.blogspot.com/

Yes, I collect toys. You all know that.

Plumb the depths of my mania, if you dare.

25 Ways "Lord of the Rings" Would be Different...

2007-08-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

...if written by a contemporary fantasy author, as compiled by the LBAM, SoulKerfuffle and the official fiance of LBAM.

We all know that pretty much every contemporary fantasy author is indebted to Tolkien. Some might lie about it (see: Gygax, Gary), but it's the truth. Well, I've been teaching Lord of the Rings this summer and thinking about just how different it would be if somebody wrote it now, mostly because the vast majority of contemporary fantasy authors cannot manage Tolkien's grand style, the depth of his achievement, or his abiltiy to blend the heroic and pastoral. SK agreed with me and we worked to compile this list.

Twenty Five Ways The Lord of the Rings Would be Different if Written by a Contemporary Fantasy Author:

1. It would be 18 books long, and counting.

2. Frodo would be a chick, and in love with a servant of the enemy. Or Sam (who is servant class, so the romance would be forbidden).

3. Aragorn would be a waffling moron. However, in spite of this, he would somehow get to sleep with both Arwen and Eowyn.

4. Arwen would be a horse-riding, sword-wielding warrior maiden who did everything as or more competently than Aragorn.

5. Aragorn would be captured at some point, and Arwen and Eowyn would have to put aside their bitter jealousy and rescue him. Girl power! Also, they would do this with a pegasi/unicorn/centaur. Which brings us to point #6

6. There would be pegasi/unicorns/centaurs, or perhaps all 3.

7. Boromir would be obviously, clearly, deliriously evil and dangerous, and would in no way keep his honor. Or there'd be NO hint of anything at all until he suddenly turned on Frodo and killed a hobbit.

8. Gimli and Gollum would be turned into the same character...Gimlum. He would appear to all as totally and utterly untrustworthy, lust after the ring, etc etc, but totally save the day and have a happy ending.

9. Legolas would be a gay vampire trying to redeem himself by joining the Fellowship.

10. Gandalf would a: wear glasses and play Quidditch or b: be a 'wycca' and bibble about the Triune Goddesses of the Valar.

11. Hobbits would all be stealthy but hearty warriors or sneak-thieves.

12. Tom Bombadil would be a 4-inch tall gnome, OR he would make much more obvious displays of his power.

13. Shadowfax...good dragon.

14. The wild-men of the woods would be replaced by a tribe of renegade "good" Orcs who would go on to heroically sacrifice themselves at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields but do something to drastically disrupt Sauron's forces.

15. Saruman would be renamed "Gorlax the Malevolent" to keep readers from getting confused.

16. Every peripheral character would be shoved to the forefront and given plotlines. Everybody at the Council of Elrond...Erestor, Galdor, Glorfindel, Gloin...would have their own chapters.

17. Elrond, Galadriel, and Celeborn would all have PTSD and be addicted to miruvor, giving us lots of opportunity for flashbacks, and statements like..."You just don't understand...I was there at the Fall of Gondolin...the dragons. Oh sweet Valar...the dragons...the flame...(weeping)"

18. Elrond's sons would be featured. One would die horribly, probably to save his sister.

19. Denethor would be an abusive parent.

20. Galadriel would be A: a seemingly absent minded librarian type or B: a super-powerful warrior witch, part of a coven or triad or sisterhood which would take the place of the White Council.

21.Elves would wear war paint.

22. One of the Nazgul would repent, and be instrumental in his completion of the quest- but there'd be chapter after chapter of all the horrible things he had done, though.

23. The Fellowship: magic weapons and powerful heroes all around.

24. Pippin and/or Merry: would totally kill a troll in Moria by rolling between its legs.

25. Eowyn would only wind up with Faramir because Aragorn would have to renounce her in order to marry Arwen for 'acceptance' from the people of Gondor, and she would love Aragorn for the rest of her life.

Now let's just all thank God Tolkien was born when he was.

"Guilty Pleasure" Movies

2007-07-24T21:57:00.000-04:00

So, unlike the other "Top 5" Lists, this list is about movies I love regardless of whether they are really "great" or not. Or even any good. These movies are flawed. Some, in fact, suck. But I love them anyway. Feel free to disagree with this list, but laugh at #1 and I will end you.

5 - Spaced Invaders - This movie is so ridiculously funny...still, even 17 years (good God I'm getting old) after it came out. Plot: incompetent Martian Armada Scout Ship Crew invades Earth instead of their real target; arrive in small town on Halloween while local radio station is broadcasting Welles' "War of the Worlds," believe that the invasion fleet has been destroyed, attempt to carry on conquest anyway. Many many classic quotes:

To house-wife who believes them to be trick-or-treaters and won't be threatened; Look, when a vastly superior alien culture comes all this way to take over your world, certain basic laws of planetary conquest apply. For example, when someone points a Quad Vectored Hypo Thermic Cosmo Blaster at you, it's a fair bet you are about to become toast.

Or, when the Captain just won't get it that the mission is a failure:
Giggywig: Let me sum up the entire situation in a nutshell: there are five of us, and four billion of them. They have Strategic Air Command, nuclear powered submarines, and John Wayne. We have this.
[holds up a small rifle]
Captain Bipto: Is it loaded?
[points the rifle at Bipto]
Giggywig: Let's find out!

4 - Hawk the Slayer - Look, it's bad. I mean really, really bad. Jack Palance is a villain named Voltan. John Terry is his brother, Hawk.

Quick question; you have two sons, one named Voltan, the other Hawk. Which one grows up to be 'the Dark Lord,' which one becomes a hero?

Bad 80's soundtrack; check. Overacting; check. Terrible special effects; check. Elf who sounds like a gay robot; check. But the 'party' is put together based on sound principles, and hey...at least it's not Ladyhawke.

3 - Mystery Men - Come on, a superhero whose power is lethally accurate flatulence? Sign me up! This movie is just great. Perfect cast...a villain named 'Casanova Frankenstein?' Awsome.

2 - The Rock - One of the few watchable Jerry Bruckheimer movies. When you think about it, the entire plot is pretty ridiculous. But still, the movie is fun.

1 - The Hobbit - Yes, the Rankin-Bass animated version from 1977. This is a very sentimental choice, but I really don't think that movie is as bad as time and the internet would lead you to believe. There's a few tricks to watching this movie and enjoying it as much as it deserves. First and absolutely most important, you must not compare it to Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings films. Most movies are going to suffer in that comparison. Remember it was made in 1977 and most of what we now "know" about the look and feel of Middle-Earth wasn't established then. Sure, now Ian McKellen is Gandalf. But John Huston didn't do a bad job. (Did he ever?)

Sure, some really odd choices are made; the Wood-elves look awfully strange, more bizarre and certainly less 'fair,' but then, in the context of the movie we don't have any other elves to compare them to. And Smaug gets a bad rap for not being totally reptilian, but who says he had to be? And the goblins are weird, sure, but the book descriptions don't give you much to go on, visually, though I think this movie actually interprets goblins pretty well; they're all mouth. Appetite. And not in the warm, convivial way that hobbits are; hobbits are all belly, which says, "I am content and jovial and settled." Goblins being all mouth says "I am lazy and can never get enough." Which is pretty much how goblins are described in the novel.

Anyway, the point I really want to get to, and why I love this movie so much - in fact I had forgotten how much I did love it till Netflix delivered it today, and I just finished watching it - is that this movie is the basis of my 'fantasy' imagination. My dad read The Hobbit to me when I was 3 or 4, and laid low by Chicken Pox, and it's still one of my favorite books, but this movie was the first time I saw swords, axes, dwarves, trolls, elves, wargs, a dragon, armor, harps, forges, mountain tunnels, and goblins. Moreover, growing up I had (and still have..it is sitting on my table) a hardcover version of the novel with copious illustrations from the movie (including pre-production sketches of Beorn, Beorn's house, and the Arkenstone, the two biggest plot points cut from the actual movie). Now I hadn't looked at this book in probably 10-12 years. But once I had it in my hands again (I'm using it to teach the novel to students this summer) I remember how often I used to take it out just to page through and look at the illustrations. It has two 3-page foldouts of huge scenes from the movie; the wood-elves capturing the dwarves, and a melee from the Battle of Five Armies, and I used to unfold and stare at them till I memorized every detail. I was far more careful with this book than with many others as a kid, and the fact that the book is 30 years old and intact (though fragile; the glue is starting to go) and without ripped pages is a testament to this.

Well, anyway, once I started looking at the illustrations again as I prepared for my class, I started to realize just how much that movie had meant to my young imagination. Those pictures of swords, of armor, of helms and battle, were what I saw when I wrote stories, developed characters, or played D&D. You can find this trite or silly or whatever you want, but it's the truth. Every sword my D&D characters have carried has been Glamdring, Sting, or Orcrist as drawn by Rankin&Bass's animators. By the way, design on Glamdring is one place...very likely the only such place...where Rankin&Bass totally kicked PJ and Weta's ass. Glamdring is just a sword in PJ's films; just a sword with a big blue hilt Gandalf uses to put the smack down on a Balrog, but you get the sense that's more Gandalf using his own power. There's nothing special about Glamdring in PJ's films, and damnit, there's supposed to be. The sword came from Gondolin, people, its name means "Foehammer" in Elvish, it glows when Orcs are near and it lays down some serious smack. This is a major relic!

(+6 Orcbane Shocking Burst Longsword, I 'spect).

In PJ's films...it's just the wizard's sword. That's the one change I won't deal gracefully with. Faramir being a dick? Sure. Arwen in Glorfindel's role? Whatever. No Tom Bombadil or Scouring of the Shire? I'll deal. But damnit, when they make the live-action film of The Hobbit, they need to give Glamdring some respect!

In Rankin-Bass's version, Glamdring is appropriately rune-covered, glows, and kicks serious Goblin butt. As it should be.

Also, Bombur looks like Ernest Borgnine, who I always suspected was a dwarf.

That summarizes my reasons for loving the animated Hobbit, but really, it's probably just a matter of growing up but realizing in retrospect how awesome it was to be a kid, and to have had a dad who'd read you The Hobbit when you were sick.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go download Glen Yarborough's "The Greatest Adventure."

Some Stuff I'm Pissed About

2007-07-11T13:41:00.001-04:00

"A myriad of."

No. Wrong. Never. You wouldn't say "a many of" or "a several" would you? Hell no. So you don't do it for "myriad" either. Even some otherwise good writers seem to do this, or have editors who don't know any better...Jacqueline Carey, I'm looking in your direction.

The Baltimore Sun now carries stories about professional wrestling in the sports section, at least on their website. Besides the glaringly obvious (that professional wrestling is incredibly, mind-numbingly, stultifyingly, overwhelmingly, brain-meltingly stupid to anyone over the age of 10), if a major newspaper is going to cover the WWE, shouldn't that go in the "Features" or "Entertainment" section...along with the blogs on Reality TV (really) and the oh-so-cutely named "BaltAmour" which is a "dating in Baltimore" blog written by someone who apparently watched too much "Sex and the City" nonsense. I mean, wrestling, while it includes athletic display, is patently not an athletic competition. You wouldn't write about the circus trapeze artists or contortionists in the sports page, right? So why wrestling? Further, their blogger couldn't have been more on the "well now there's no proof steroids had anything to do with Chris Benoit being completely friggin' psycho...and besides he was really a wonderful gentle man and a great guy (andI'dapparentlylovetooilhimupandgetgropyoopsthatssupposedtobeinnermonologue)and anyone who says anything else is an irresponsible journalist!" bandwagon without just openly weeping over a life-size standee of the murdering freak. Professional Wrestling; not a sport. Not in the sports page. Professional Wrestlers; riddled with steroids, probably more than MLB and the NFL put together, if that's even possible. Look people, it's not a coincidence that wrestlers are dying in their 40s all the time, and being found to have enlarged hearts and damaged kidneys, not to mention being PSYCHOTIC. Frankly, it's a miracle that Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan both haven't just exploded yet.

Also, where did Mixed Martial Arts come from and when is it scheduled to go back? There's an MMA blog on the Sun's sports section (and aside from the fact that the guy writing it cannot write a competent sentence) and MMA seems to be springing up everywhere I look. I just can't get into this crap and I think I've figured out why; until the ref intervenes, you can keep striking a downed opponent, who may in fact be helpless. Look, it's a combat sport- so is boxing. I know that. But a boxer who knocks an opponent down does not immediately leap on the guy and start trying to do permanent brain damage by beating him on the head, and every single MMA "highlight reel" I've seen shows them doing exactly that until a ref physically separates them. Boxing seems to me to be the more gentlemanly of the two sports, I suppose. Maybe that's a silly adjective to apply to boxing- but there're rules in boxing, written and unwritten, and if somebody dies in the ring (see: Benny Paret) usually it's not because of any specific rancor or act on the part of their opponent, but because of incompetent officials. Boxing is a combat sport where the inherent risk is (supposed to be) minimized, where it is supposed to be, in the immortal words of Fezzik, "skill against skill alone." MMA does not seem to have that going for it- not when you get free shots at a helpless opponent. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Maybe I'm a relic. Maybe I'm drunk. Really...who knows?

Roger Clemens is a big fat pussy.

2007-06-27T20:53:00.000-04:00

Roger Clemens is attempting to win his 350th game tonight; you all know that, it's been vomited all over the news.

What he's trying to do right NOW, is not to win it, but not to lose it.

He came out in the top of the 6th holding his arm, and then bitching about the mound and causing a disruption, and practically giving Joe Torre the mournful "I'm hurt, but I won't say it, so take me out" look. Meanwhile Gary Thorne is saying, "oh, he wouldn't want to be leaving the game now," to which I call BS.

Doesn't Clemens ALWAYS do this in a crunch situation? He doesn't want to get hung with a loss on his potential big night, but he doesn't have his best stuff and Erik Bedard does (so far it's been a pretty good game, but Bedard clearly has the better stuff- and is dealing better with the heat) and he wants out before it turns on him. Just like he's done in every major playoff game...

...and I shall now no longer complain about Aubrey Huff's stupid contract, 'cause he just took that anabolically-bloated bastard deep and made it 4-0. I will now go buy an Aubrey Huff t-shirt for that alone.

Aubrey Huff is my new hero.

All-time, All-seen Team

2007-06-26T21:44:00.000-04:00

This is an interesting little baseball tidbit to think about that Robustyoungsoul and I talked about back in the dark days in February, just before the warming dawn of spring training; put together the best lineup of players (covering every position, the position they actually played) that you have seen in person. It need not just be all Hall of Famers, but the guys who made the best impressions on you, etc. Please post your own; here's mine. I'll run them down by position and then put them in a batting order; it also includes one (1) starting pitcher and one (1) relief pitcher, for a total of 10 players.

C- Pudge Rodriguez- I don't know that I ever saw Fisk; I probably did but am honestly not sure. Besides, total it all up, Pudge probably goes down as the greatest all-around catcher of all time. There really is no "probably" about it.

1B- Eddie Murray- In the discussion for greatest switch-hitter of all time; it's really him and Mantle, I suppose, though Mantle has more "wow" seasons whereas Murray was just uncannily consistent; still, Murray has 3,000 hits and 500 HR, and Mantle doesn't. The Orioles never, ever should've traded him, and it broke my heart when they did (I was only 10. I could not understand trading Eddie Murray. Try explaining that to a 10 year old with his baseball cards and his helmet and his hat and his t-shirts). One of the few things the Orioles have done right in the past decade-plus was trading for him in 1996 (for Kent Mercker) and getting him back in time to get his 500th dinger as an Oriole.

2B- Roberto Alomar- I didn't say it was a list for the nicest players, or the classiest. Still, all the brouhaha over the spitting incident ignored the fact that Hirshbeck DID call Alomar a particularly vicious curse while they were yelling at each other; that doesn't excuse it, but the spitting didn't come out of the clear blue sky. His 1996 Orioles season (OPS+ of 137- .411 OBP, .527 SLG) is probably the best season ever by an Orioles 2B (the closest I can find is Brian Roberts in 2005, with an OPS+ of 145, but Roberts missed the last 19 games of the season, which might've brought that down- his OBP and SLG were .387 and .515, note how both are lower than Alomar in 1996). Add to that the fact that the dude had the slickest glove and by far the best turn on the DP I've ever seen, he's a mortal lock for this team; note that his ridiculous 1996 season is not even his best season overall- his 2001 season in Cleveland he had an OPS+ of 149. And now pundits talk as if he's questionable for the Hall of Fame? Are you kidding? By any objective OR subjective standard, this guy was the best 2B of his generation, bar none.

SS- Cal Ripken, Jr. - Yes, this is a homer call. Yes, A-Rod is going to have better career numbers. But, if Cal hadn't shown that big guys can play SS, A-Rod would be going down as the greatest left-fielder or first-basemen of all time, not the best left side of the infield guy (in an objective world, he'd be playing SS and Jeter would be playing 3rd, or better yet, CF- A-Rod is a far superior defensive SS to Jeter). Plus, c'mon- 2632 gets you some bonus points. Plus, he will own the Orioles, hopefully sooner rather than later. (Please please please please please let this happen).

3B- Alex Rodriguez- The fact that this guy gets criticized for not being clutch is ridiculous. He's going to go down as the greatest player of all time, and I've seen him play at every stop along the way. Sure, A-Rod's an enormous ninny (and he has bad taste in "road meat," apparently- muscled chicks with big ugly fake jugs? Nasty) but, this is about best on the field, and you can't deny that A-Rod is that.

LF- Ken Griffey, Jr- Yes, Jr. is primarily a CF, but he gets pushed to LF for reasons that will become clear later. I saw Griffey numerous times with the Mariners, and he never failed to impress. The guy exuded confidence, but in such a likable way it was genuinely impossible to dislike him. He was a god among mortals, deigning to let us marvel at his swing and his glove and the way he tracked down balls in the OF. One memory in particular stands out; Griffey came out to center for the bottom of the 9th in a game when the Mariners were killing the Orioles. I don't remember the score precisely, but it was preposterous. And Jr. actually muffed a throw from their LF during warm-ups. I was sitting the left-field boxes, and man, we all started letting him have it, but with a kind of good-natured jeering that can happen with smart fans and a great player. Griffey then started missing every throw another OF made to him. They glanced off his glove. They landed two feet to his left. They rolled between his legs. And it was impossible not to cheer for the guy. His team was killing us, and we were applauding him for making a farce out of warming-up. Then he gave us a mock-finger with his glove hand, and we cheered even more wildly. How can you not root for a guy who can do that? On a related note: this Onion article just about made me cry.

CF- Bo Jackson- Recently, a much better sports writer than me has written a great deal about Bo Jackson. Bo's career stats aren't that impressive, though his OPS+ of 142 probably would've been about what he was capable of year-in, year-out, if football related injury hadn't done for him. Stupid football. Even so, Bo takes this spot because I was at Memorial Stadium on July 11, 1990, when he ran up the center-field fence. The blog I linked to has a better blow by blow description of it than I can write, and at the time, I was 11 and all I could think was "holy sh^&, he just ran up the CF fence." I wish I could find video of this but it doesn't seem to be out there, which is a damn crime. Bonus anecdote: only game I ever touched a foul ball. Hit by Kevin Seitzer, the father of a little girl behind me flat out dropped it, and it rolled up against my foot. I turned around and gave it to her. I await my karmic payback.

RF- Ichiro- Everything this guy does and says is fascinating. Remember that commercial from a few years ago, where MLB was having player riff about "why they love baseball?" And most of them said really trite things. Ichiro said something like; "I enjoy trying to play this game at a level as close to perfection as humanly possible." And he does. That's all there is to it; I'm convinced there is nothing that guy cannot do on a baseball field. He could probably pitch; he's got the arm. He could hit more HR if he felt he needed to. He can pretty much do whatever he wants with the bat, and he covers ground like a tarp. Just fascinating to watch. Even his weird warm-up in the OF exercises are fun to watch.

SP- Pedro Martinez- I've seen lots of great pitching performances, but the best pitcher I've ever seen was Pedro. The thing about Pedro was he didn't even need his best stuff to dominate another team; even his mediocre stuff was good enough to make an All-Star team look like little leaguers. He was just preposterous. I'm convinced that advanced statistical analysis in the next few years will in fact show that Pedro, from 1998 to 2003, was quite simply the greatest pitcher ever. For the love of God, in 2000 the man posted an ERA of 1.74 in 217 innings. Nobody does that anymore. Even if you pitched every inning of every start for a great pitcher in a video game, you probably wouldn't beat that ERA; that was more than 3 runs better than the league ERA. That meant in the average Pedro start that year, Boston only needed to score 2 runs. That's just silly.

RP- Mariano Rivera- I've seen this heartless bastard crush my boys' spirits in the 9th inning far too many times to even consider another reliever. I hate this guy, and I cheer whenever he gets beat (I jumped and punched the ceiling in joy when he gave up the Series in 2001; I hate the Yankees that much- then I got on the phone and called my dad and brother to gloat. I couldn't care less about the Diamondbacks. But the Yankees lost. Plus it was a great series). I almost went with Randy Myers here; his 1997 season was sickeningly awesome, and he posted an ERA+ of 291; Pedro's best year was 285, though, granted, in many more innings, which makes him indisputably more valuable.

Honorable mentions; if I allowed myself to pick a DH, it would probably be George Brett, though Darryl Strawberry would be a close second- I saw him hit the longest HR in Camden Yards history; 465 feet on a rope, banging audibly against the center-field batting eye, that tall green wall that ivy was growing on. It would've gone 500 easy on the fly if it hadn't hit that wall. Probably more.

The hardest cut was probably Andruw Jones in CF, and I have to mention this; back in 1998, after witnessing a great pitching duel between then-rookie Kevin Milwood, and O's ace Mike Mussina, the Os had fallen behind, but were rallying in the late innings. Harold Baines hit a long liner that had 2-run double written all over it; then I noticed that Jones was running, purposefully. It was not the run of a man expecting to play one off the wall. Then, to the official brother of LBAM, I believe I said something very profound: "Crap." And he answered: "Yeah." Meanwhile, the people around us continued to cheer. Jones made a spectacular diving catch. Threat ended. Of all the other CF'ers I've seen, I suspect only Bo or Griffey would've had a shot at that ball, and I'm not sure they would've

Other honorable mentions; Wade Boggs, Paul Molitor, Robin Yount, Manny Ramirez (that guy always seems to manage to play a competent LF at Camden Yards. What the hell?) Brian Roberts (right now, the best leadoff hitter in the AL, and hands-down the best 2-strike hitter I've ever seen) Eric Davis, Mike Mussina, Roger Clemens, Lee Smith, Tony Gwynn (only saw the old, portly version- interleague play and all).

My lineup;
Alomar
Ichiro
A-Rod
Griffey
Murray
Jackson
Ripken
Pudge
Pitcher

Holy crap. What kind of lineup has Cal batting 7th and Pudge Rodriguez 8th? I'm going to make this team in a video game and watch them win 140 games.

Additional, unwanted bonus anecdote; best single game performance I've ever seen. Not actually by a major leaguer, but by Orioles farmhand Val Majewski, who, good lord, couldn't be worse than Cory Patterson in CF right now, even with an unimpressive .754 OPS in AA right now. Even so, one night in Aberdeen back in 2002, he looked like the savior of a franchise. Sure, it was low Single-A, but he was clearly the best player on the field. If I recall correctly, he had; two triples, threw two guys out at the plate, scored the winning run, and played roughly 2/3rds of the outfield by himself, displaying an extra gear on running down flyballs that the other players just didn't have.

The end.

Top 5 Movies

2007-06-25T22:01:00.000-04:00

Another quick little top 5 list. Trying to be very selective by NOT breaking it down by genre, but just by movies. No particular order:

The Lord of the Rings- Put a gun to my head and say "pick one" and I'll say Return of the King. No, wait...Two Towers...no...Fellowship...no...AAAUIGH. See? You can't separate this. It's one great 10 hour long movie cut up to fit in theaters. Best way to spend a Saturday with like-minded friends: get a fridge full of beer and quality food, and watch all three extended edition DVDs without a break, on a big enough screen with surround sound, then play D&D.

Casablanca- Just a classic all 'round, more quotable than anything else, plus it's Bogart at the absolute top of his game. My favorite Casablanca discussion; at what point did Rick decide he'd give the signed passes to Laszlo and Ilsa? My answer is when Laszlo told Rick to take the pass himself and take Ilsa with him; Rick decided then that Laszlo must've loved Ilsa as much as he did. Plus, Rick needed to stick around and kill some Nazis.

The Searchers- This movie is so subtle it is likely to offend most contemporary viewers who think it's just spewing racism for no reason. By far John Wayne's finest performance (and he was a better actor than most people nowadays seem to think- I mean this film, True Grit and The Shootist- any actor is lucky to have 3 performances that good on his resume over a full career) and a movie that bears up under repeated watching and has so many questions the movie won't answer for you; why does Ethan speak fluent Spanish? Why does he hate Comanche so much? Why is the medal he gives Debbie not actually a Confederate medal, though Ethan's notoriety is as a Confederate soldier? Is he actually Debbie's father and not her uncle? You have to watch and pay attention and think about it, and eventually it all makes sense. You could never get away with making this movie now for those reasons alone. No movie that has influenced as many great directors as this has (Lucas, Scorcese, Spielberg, Kurosawa, Eastwood) can be too far off anyone's top film list.

The Big Lebowski- This probably isn't even the Coen brothers' best movie, but I don't care. I can honestly watch this movie every week, and never ever get sick of it. It hits my sense of humor perfectly, even if I recognize it doesn't do the same for everyone else. Heck, I've even roleplayed a character based off of Walter Sobchak.

Star Wars, Episode V- The Empire Strikes Back- Still the best of all 6 films, and it's really not even close. Yoda, the backstory, "I am your father," watching the hero struggle and constantly screw up because he won't give up his aggression (note that, after the first film, Luke never succeeds when carrying a blaster- especially when he goes into the cave on Dagobah wearing it, after Yoda told him all that was in it was "only what you bring with you. MORON) until he finally does have his one great, completely unsullied heroic moment (which doesn't actually come to the NEXT film- bonus points to anyone who can tell me exactly what that moment is).

Honorable mentions: Rocky, Unforgiven (probably the hardest to cut off this list), A New Hope, Braveheart, Rob Roy (I like swords!), Metropolis, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Batman Begins, Sin City, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, To Kill a Mockingbird, Citizen Kane, Boondock Saints, Spinal Tap, The Dead, Million Dollar Baby, Unbreakable, Patton, Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Clerks/Chasing Amy. Remind me if I've forgotten any.

Ultimate Revenge

2007-06-15T10:39:00.001-04:00

A recent commercial for the Law Firm of Peter Angelos sparked an idea.

They do product liability litigation.

The owner of my favorite sports club constantly promises a competitive team.

The Orioles are manifestly not a competitive team.

Is this product liability?

LET'S FIND OUT!

Email sent to the Law Firm of Peter Angelos this morning at 10:55 AM:

I want to explore the possibility of suing the Orioles Baseball Club under product liability laws. The club owner repeatedly makes pre-season promises of "fielding a competitive team" and improving the quality of the club, and then makes no significant attempt to do either. I believe this is, at least, flagrant false advertising. The consistently miserable performance of the team has disrupted my sleep patterns, my appetite, my mental health, and my overall well-being, and someone should be held accountable.

I'll follow up with any response I get, but I'm betting I don't get one.

The Future of my Fan-dom...

2007-06-14T20:34:00.000-04:00

...hangs in the balance of the next 3 1/2 innings of the current Orioles-Nationals game.

The Orioles are currently losing 1-0, going into the bottom of the 6th. If they lose they will have been swept by the Nationals.

If that happens, I am resigning my commission as Orioles fan until one of the following 3 things happen:

1. The team reaches 1 game over .500

2. Major roster overhauls are made

3. Sam Perlozzo is fired, along with Terry Crowley.

The odds of #1 happening are about as long as the odds of George Lucas winning a "Best Original Screenplay" Oscar for the magical, musical extravaganza known as "Star Wars: Episode VII, Ewoks Amok!"

The odds of #2 are probably a little better, but the last time this team showed enough gumption to go ahead and blow up the roster was back in 2000, where we saw the exodus of players like B.J. Surhoff, Charles Johnson, and Mike Bordick, and got Melvin Mora, Brook Fordyce (who we promptly signed for 4 years and $10 million...for BROOK FORDYCE) and a whole bunch of minor-league pitchers who never pitched in the majors, ever. I mean really, not ever. I don't think any of the pitchers we traded for that year ever saw the major league roster after that September. However, the fact that Jay Gibbons (.587 OPS), Corey Patterson (.551 OPS) , and Freddy Bynum (.654 OPS) continue to take up roster space, get AB, and hack at slop. If that isn't bad enough, Bynum has shown that he can't play the OF, Patterson has forgotten how, and Gibbons never really could. I'm not sure what this team could possibly have that's valuable in trade aside from Miguel Tejada, who could draw some top prospects for a playoff-fringe team like the Angels, or somebody in the NL Central. Tejada for Teixeira is not going to happen, not straight up, and not without the Os eating salary (and possibly Hank Blalock's salary, I don't know-maybe we could assume some of the responsibility for A-Rod's salary Texas still has-is that legal? I doubt it)

Anyway, at the very least, some changes need to happen- why, when we have a catcher hitting over .300 at AAA all season do Paul Bako and Alberto Castillo get to split all the time at catcher? Can they just eat Gibbons' contract and cut him loose? How about Patterson? Will Daniel Cabrera bring anything good in a trade- all these should be addressed. I don't expect any serious roster turnover, though, because that would show a willingness to change, an understanding that embracing calculated risk is the way to improve, and an insight that the fan base is fed up and wants to at least see an attempt at making the team better.

Note: In the time between saving this draft and finishing it, the Orioles lost. Ergo, I am through. I will finish up this blog post and that'll be that, in terms of Orioles-related blogging, for now.

Now, number 3, that might actually happen. They need to fire more than just Perlozzo. They really, really need to can Terry Crowley. The Baltimore media can talk all the want about what a great hitting coach he is, but where's the proof? Baltimore's 22nd in MLB in team OPS, 26th in HR, and 19 in OBP. In other words, significantly below average as a team. As a team they have one....ONE player with an OPS over .800 (Brian Roberts, rebounding nicely into nearly his 2005 form- not that anyone outside of Baltimore is noticing, if you check the All-Star ballot). Nick Markakis and Miguel Tejada are the only other players over .770 (way to earn that $12 million, Miggy).

Granted, that's not all Crowley's fault. The team is fielding a lineup that is built to regularly concede anyway from 4-5 of every 9 outs (if Patterson, Gibbons, Huff, and Bako are all starting, that's pretty much 12 guaranteed outs a game, though Huff is starting to hit a bit). Still, even if it's just Patterson, Gibbons, and Bako in the starting 9, that's one third of your AB you can just give up on.

None of this saves Crowley from the axe, though, if there's any accountability here (let's pretend we don't know that there isn't). The team's lineup has sucked for a long time, but I also think more ought to be gotten out of this lineup. There's no fire, no leadership, no competitiveness on this team outside of Roberts and Jay Payton (who actually seems to be pissed that the team is losing. Welcome to Baltimore, Jay). The rest of the guys are showing up to hack and collect their checks, except for Bedard and Guthrie, who are showing up to make other team's hitters look foolish (and collect no-decisions like they'll appreciate in value, because the offense, as we've seen, sucks), and Markakis, who seems to be studying the pitching and gradually learning how to make all the adjustments. He seems to be on his way to a 25 HR season (which would be the first 25 HR season by a homegrown Oriole player since...you guessed it, Cal Ripken) but nothing is certain.

Anyway, back to the point of this post- I'm done. I'm checking out. Getting swept by the Nats is a final straw. I'm not going to any games, not wearing an Os hat or jersey or t-shirt or going out of my way to watch games or read their press until one of the above things happen. I will occasionally watch a game when Bedard or Guthrie is pitching, in order to monitor the future of the staff, but that's it. I'm done.

Liberated Doesn't Have to Mean Emasculated

2007-06-01T12:07:00.000-04:00

So, just the other day, for the first time, I read Nora Ephron's classic essay, "The Hurled Ashtray." I wish I could post a link to the full text online but I can't find it and am tired of looking. Suffice it to say, the story revolves around a husband, wife, and friend at a restaurant in London, where the wife was thoroughly harrassed by a group of 3 rowdy sorts at a table behind them; lewd comments, hurled bread balls, finally the waiter bringing an obscene note over on a silver tray. The husband finally had enough and threw an ashtray at the rowdies. The wife, husband, and friend were thrown out, and the wife immediately turned on the husband to tell him what a horrible thing he did.

Now, to Ephron's credit, the essay is extraordinarily well written and she isn't so sure who did what wrong. I have a few questions, though.

1. Was the ashtray full of ashes, hot or otherwise? If so, the cloud it would throw up once it struck the rowdies makes great cover to pick up other, more damaging objects.

2. Why throw an ashtray when you can throw a chair?

I mean, honestly, did the husband do something so wrong? Is the impulse to defend and protect such a terrible thing that it makes anyone who experiences it a knuckle-dragging neanderthal?

Now, I'd also like to point out, that put in that situation, I would have called the head-waiter, maitre-d, executive chief, owner...whomever I needed to talk to...that that group of numbnuts shouting obscenities at my wife needed to be removed from the restaurant. Not have our table moved. Not have their table moved. I'd want them thrown out.

But failing that...well, sometimes, judicious application of boot to ass is the best way to teach someone that their behavior is not acceptable. And guys who will throw bread balls, send obscene notes, and make catcalls at a woman I am with...mother, wife, friend, cousin, friend's sister, or, God forbid, daughter...are going to learn pretty damned quick what I think of it, and they aren't going to like it.

And I refuse to believe that that mindset marginalizes women or displays a belief in their inferiority. Most of the women I know well and admire and love are better people than I am, and I am a better man for knowing them. And defending one of them in an instance like that, well, if it makes me primitive, so be it. But it'd make me the kind of man I want to be.

I Hate Jane Austen*

2007-05-26T22:23:00.000-04:00

Due to unfortunate job-related stuff, I'm currently teaching a Jane Austen novel. Doesn't matter which. I can't keep them straight.

I hate Jane Austen.

Most of you reading this should understand, this is not a knee-jerk "guy who doesn't really like to read" reaction. Obviously I do. I like lots of other 19th century British novels. Jane Eyre? Bring it on. Vanity Fair? Love it. Go back even further. Tristram Shandy almost made my top 5 novels.

But I hate Jane Austen.

I've tried. I really have. But these novels are so artificial, so terribly unreal. Nobody in a Jane Austen novel, as far as I can tell, ever bleeds or farts or craps or sweats or pisses or dies in a way that isn't just terribly pictureseque and dreadfully wonderful.

Gag.

Granted, you can make the argument that, as works of fiction, no novel actually reflects the real world and yadda yadda yadda.

Well, Jane Austen's world is less real than most.

You know what her novels need?

A band of syphilitic, tubercular, bloodthirsty, rapacious highwaymen to ride in, set up shop in one of those dee-lightful English country homes and proceed to terrify the townsfolk, ravage the women, and chase off all the tea-sipping ninnies that pass for men in those novels. I imagine the aforementioned ninnies reacting by sitting round a table, sipping port, perhaps playing a little backgammon, sputtering, and uttering strongly worded, but cautious imprecations along the lines of "This just won't do at all" and "This just is not well brought up behavior." That is, until a bored, half-drunk bandit stumbles in and slaughters the lot of them with a rusty sabre.

I picture these lovable rogues stabling their horses in the parlors, wiping their arses with the drawing-room curtains, and assembling quite the harem of Jane Austen female characters, none of whom would have ever previously encountered anyone possessing a working set of testicles.

*This post not approved by the official fiance of LBAM.

Top 5 Fantasy Novels

2007-05-18T13:02:00.000-04:00

You can subtitle this post "Top 5 Fantasy Novels that aren't Lord of the Rings." Just assume that is number 1 and move on. Once again, this is my list, and not an attempt at "the greatest fantasy novels" of all time, but my top 5. We're talking individual novels here, not whole series, so I'll pick out single books of some series, while others are stand-alone. I'm not including young adult fantasy (of which some is very good, some great, some dear to my nostalgiac heart) or modern/real-world fantasy, so no American Gods or Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, which are both absolutely outstanding novels.

A Storm of Swords, George R. R. Martin- Third in his epic series that might be the best fantasy epic since LOTR. Any book that makes you throw it across the room a couple of times in the course of reading it, or, as in my case, makes you stay up till 5 am to finish it the night before a Greek exam, has got to be something special. This book in particular has great memories attached to it; senior year of college, with one copy being passed around the ol' D&D group, and constant 4 a.m. phone calls from the guy who was reading it to the guy he got it from..just great. Martin does things to his characters no other fantasy author dares to do.

Tigana, Guy Gavriel Kay- Gay's first stand-alone novel after The Fionavar Tapestry, and the first of his "almost-historical" locations adapted to a fantasy setting. This was the first book, besides Lord of the Rings, that made me realize fantasy novels could be literature. Kay is a wonderful prose stylist who could easily write "literary" fiction if he wanted to (I'd argue he does, he just does it with magic and swords and mythology) who does a better job of integrating a quasi-historical setting with fantasy better than anyone else. His villians are rarely villains, and, in fact, the "tyrant" in this novel might be the best man, and most sympathetic character, in the book.

The Guns of Avalon, Roger Zelazny- I almost picked Lord of Light, which is also a fantastic novel, but perhaps more "sci-fi" than fantasy. And rather than just pick the entire Great Book of Amber, I feel that The Guns of Avalon stands head and shoulders above the rest of the series. Not sure I can articulate why, it's just great; I submit that the title alone is the best in fantasy history.

The Black Company, Glen Cook- Cook does different fantasy better than anyone, and The Black Company is perhaps the definitive statement of his oeuvre, and that statement is "I am not doing what everyone else is." And what he does, he does better than just about anybody else. In The Black Company you will not find dashing heroes or fair maidens, or elves, dwarves, or clearly defined good and evil. In fact, he completely turns the typical fantasy setup on its head; the protagonists are fighting in the "battle against great ancient evil," only they're fighting for ancient evil, and, really, maybe ancient evil isn't as bad as the people trying to overthrow it, who aren't really bearing the standard of "destined good," but just pretending to. A fantastic novel and a great start to a great series; sure, it gets weird as it goes on, but few fantasy authors have the kind of courage Cook does. His Garret, PI series will be on one of these top 5 lists some time.

The Shadow Rising, Robert Jordan- Look, I know it is hard to look at The Wheel of Time objectively anymore. No series has gone this far astray for this long. Books 7, 8, 9, and 10 are complete...COMPLETE...wastes of time. But try to follow me here; the first 4 books of that series are as good as any other epic fantasy out there. Try to think back to when you first read them, and how you constantly, eagerly thought and talked about the next book and counted the days till it came out. Sure, that came to a crashing halt long about 1997 or '98. But I will put the scene in Rhuidean, as you learn, along with Rand, the history of the Aiel, up against any other "jaw dropping/mind cracking" revelation scene in any other epic fantasy.

There ya go. Argue, agree, post your own.

Top 5 Novels

2007-05-17T19:34:00.000-04:00

Having resigned my position as an Orioles fan, for the time being, I'm going to blog about other things. And being devoid of ideas, I'm just going to make lists, and solicit responses to the list from other folks.

The first list; Top 5 Novels.

I am not saying these are the 5 best novels of all time, but my favorites, for various reasons. These are novels I can always re-read for pleasure, but also learn something more every time I do. These are not in any particular order. There are also literary novels, not genre fiction, though of course, one is arguable. Also, the authors are all white dudes. Deal.

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, James Joyce- Ok, so Ulysses is undoubtedly the greater aesthetic achievement, the bigger risk, etc etc. But it's not hard to argue that Portrait is the better read, and certainly easier to re-read. I've read Ulysses four times, but always needed to have Ellman's annotations near at hand and pay close attention and constantly stop and go back, etc. Ulysses is a huge investment, not only of time, and psychic energy, whereas you can just sit down and read Portrait in a day if you like, and enjoy the workings of the singular and incredible mind behind it, revel in the density of the prose (I mean density in a good way- not that it's hard to work through, but that it is just full of stuff) and the incredible depth of the investigation into what language and art are.

The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald- In a way, I think Fitzgerald missed his calling. He really ought to have been a poet, because he just had such an incredible ear for language, for what sounded good, what felt graceful. His novels feel so instinctively well-written, one imagines they were simply spun out, martini in hand, over a few lazy, hot summer afternoons, on the days Scott managed to avoid waking up with a hangover. I'm sure, of course, there was plenty of work involved (there always is) but it still feels that way. Gatsby was Fitzgerald at the top of his game, past the awkward growing pains of The Other Side of Paradise and before the excesses of Tender is the Night, when his success had gone to his head, and the age he was chronicling had already crashed down around his ears. I defy anyone to find an American novel as simply chock full of beautiful writing as Gatsby.

This Side of Brightness, Colum McCann- Some of you reading this may not have heard of McCann, or this novel, and in that case, you should go on Amazon right now and order it. You will not be disappointed. I have many of the same things to say about him as I do Fitzgerald; McCann is a poet cleverly disguised as a novelist. He manages split-chronology narrative better than anyone else I can think of, or imagine, and that's sort of become a hallmark of his novels.

The Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien- I said this list would be of literary fiction, and it still is. Lord of the Rings manages to be literary fiction despite having spawned a genre that has ultimately produced lots of crap. Still, none of that tarnishes the depth or breadth of Tolkien's achievement, and he wrote something far greater than the label "genre fiction" (which I usually hate, but is certainly apt for some of the fantasy out there, even some of which I like) connotes.

A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway- Perhaps the hardest to re-read on this list, because, dear God, what a sad book. I could just as easily have put The Sun Also Rises or Old Man and the Sea here but for some reason I've just always liked A Farewell to Arms the most, and it's my list.

Please respond with your own completely subjective top 5 literary novels.

I can't take it anymore

2007-05-13T23:11:00.000-04:00

Even the most "homer" of the Orioles broadcaster types are stopping just short of calling for Sam Perlozzo's head.

Quite frankly, I expect to see him burned in effigy outside Camden Yards during the next homestand.

I know, I know he didn't walk the batters, or make the errors, that led a 5-0 lead with ONE OUT IN THE NINTH to become a 6-5 loss.

Here's, however, what he did do; pull out a pitcher who was cruising, who'd thrown 91 pitches across 8 1/3rd, who wanted to stay in, who'd just allowed a baserunner on an error. Then he stuck with the closer- who is looking shakier and shakier by the day, and damn those soulless bastards at Baseball Prospectus who told us this would happen- while he kept throwing the ball everywhere but over the plate.

Apparently, earlier in the weekend, he went and asked his catcher...and current cleanup hitter...if he wanted out for a game in the series. Against the division leader. Riding a hot streak. With a chance to take over 2nd place and go over .500.

You know, that might be the worst of the errors Sammy made. When you're a manager, you don't ask, you tell. That's a cardinal rule of leadership. YOU are in charge so YOU have to make the decisions...and live with the consequences. If you, as manager, think your catcher needs a break, you pencil the backup into the lineup. Plain and simple. You don't go ask.

Guys are bitching in the paper about not knowing their role, not getting AB, getting jerked around in the lineup...this is now at least 3 games the team has lost because of terrible, terrible management. At this point, even if it means losing Mazzone, fire Perlozzo. It's gotten ridiculous. This ship is going to sink, fast. And the shame of it is the Yankees look vulnerable and the Jays are done- perhaps with competent management...and a pitching staff NOT LEADING THE LEAGUE IN WALKS...the Orioles would have a serious opportunity for 2nd place.

Not with Sammy at the helm. I'm not usually the guy who gets on the "fire the manager" bandwagon, but it's time.

Well, at least no current players...

2007-05-09T11:38:00.000-04:00

I guess it's a sign of a really sad season when the best news of the past two weeks is that no current Orioles are on the list of players the Mitchell Investigation is trying to get the medical records of.

You know, just David Segui, Rafael Palmeiro, Jason Grimsley, and Sammy Sosa. Sosa doesn't really count as a former Oriole. I move that we strike his time in black&orange from the official record of reality, not to mention the baseball encyclopedia. All in favor? Good. Palmeiro, though...I felt like I'd been punched in the nuts when I heard he'd failed that test, and all the rest of it just made me sick.

Which brings me to a problem of sorts. I have a MacFarlane MLB Rafael Palmeiro figure. Clearly I can no longer keep or display it. Unlike Brooks Robinson, Cal, Johnny Unitas, Jon Ogden, Jamal Lewis, and Yogi Berra, Raffy is in exile at the ancestral manse (read: the house of the official mother of the LBAM) .

Just what sort of ignominious destruction should this figure receive? Ritual burning? Melting in acid? Dip in paint thinner, then burn/melt? Disfigurement with an xacto knife and sculpey? Smash with a baseball bat? I'm open to suggestions.

Make it stop

2007-05-06T19:30:00.000-04:00

And by "it," I mean the talking heads on the Mid-Atlantic Sports Network saying things like;

"Well, Burres really pitched better than his line looked."

Let's look at the line:

IP: 3.2, H: 7, R: 5, ER: 5, BB: 2, SO: 3, PT: 78, ST: 42

Really? He pitched better than that? A WHIP of 2.82 doesn't say he pitched better than that. It says he has no business starting when he was pitching very effectively out of the bullpen so far. It says this team needs to find somebody who can pitch 6 FREAKIN' innings once in a while, because as it is, they're going with an innovative 3-man rotation (Bedard, Cabrera, Trachsel) followed by 2 long relievers (Burres, Guthrie) who will never get out of the 4th inning. That's conceding 2 games out of every 5, geniuses, and this crappy team can't afford to do that. Get somebody out of the minors who can throw more than 80 pitches in,and won't throw that many in less than 4 innings, damnit!

I have had ENOUGH...

2007-05-01T22:22:00.000-04:00

...of listening to Jim Hunter, Rick Dempsey, Gary Thorne, and Buck Martinez saying the Orioles need "a break" or have to figure out how to get some "timely hitting."

No, you morons. They need a BETTER TEAM.

They need hitters who stop hacking at slop. Especially first-pitch slop.

They need pitchers who don't lead the league in walks.

They need a manager who doesn't think that sac bunts (guaranteed outs) and intentional walks (see the bit about leading the league in walks) are paving stones on the road to victory.

Look, the intentional walk to set up the DP is a good play...if Neifi "Crafty McBanjoHitter" Perez is coming up. But that's about it. Even a guy like Sean Casey, clearly on his last legs, can hurt you when there are 2 men on and 1 out. And he did.

I hate this team.

Time to Make the Tough Decisions

2007-04-30T15:40:00.000-04:00

As an Orioles fan, I've had it. Realizing that I have resorted to "well, at least they're better than the Nationals" rationalizations to friends and co-workers and students, I'm fed up and I'm bloody well not going to take it anymore. SOMEbody needs to step up and make some tough decisions around here, damnit. So, in that vein;

5 Moves that Immediately Make the Orioles Better

1. Fire Sammy Perlozzo but find some way to keep Leo Mazzone.

Even if this requires staged dead-hooker blackmail, I say run with it. Time to get tough, Flanagan!

2. Have Jaret Wright killed, and ship his right arm back to the Yankees as a statement of defiance.

He's tough. He's gritty. He's a warrior.

Who was only capable of throwing 61 pitches in a start yesterday. Why wasn't that a start in A ball? That's what rehab starts are FOR. Maybe he shouldn't be euthanized, but damnit...I said I was fed up, didn't I? I MEANT IT.

3. Break Jay Gibbons's knees.

That'll keep him on the DL and OUT OF THE DAMN LINEUP.

4. Con somebody into trading something useful for Corey Patterson. Yes, his defense is nice. Yes, stealing bases is nice. A .318 OBP sucks. A .355 SLG sucks worse. You need to be ON base in order to steal them. Hopefully somebody will buy into his "rare combination of power and speed" that drew comparisons to Griffey and Mays when he was a minor leaguer, and not look at all the evidence staring them in the face that show that Patterson is a fringe major leaguer.

5. Put the cartoon bird back on the cap.

The Orioles wore some form of the cartoon bird on their hats from 1966-1988. The cartoon bird oversaw 6 penants (66, 69, 70, 71, 79, 83) and 3 world series titles (66, 70, 83). That cartoon bird saw 3 MVPs, 6 Cy Young Award Winners, 3 Rookies of the Year, and 45 Gold Gloves. The cartoon bird was worn by 7 Hall of Famers, 5 of whom are (or one who will be this summer) wearing Orioles caps on their plaques (bonus points if you can name the other 2).

The switch to an ornithologically correct bird has seen 2 playoff appearances that flamed out (96, 97), a 22 year gap between All-Star position players developed by the team's own farm system (Cal Ripken in 1983 to Brian Roberts in 2005. Depressing, no?) the biggest name to be busted for steroid use, the Jason Grimsley steroid scandal, the David Segui HGH debacle, (that's as many steroid scandals as World Series titles. Somebody talk me off the ledge) Tony Batista and Deivi Cruz impersonating a left side of the infield, a 4 year, $28 million contract for David Segui, and not one...not ONE...major upgrade via daring trade. I have wracked my brain for an Orioles trade since 1992 (hell, since December '88, when they traded Eddie Murray for nothing, in the form of Ken Howell, Juan Bell, and Brian Holton, none of whom played past 1990) that hasn't ultimately been a total horror show, and I have two:

Mike Bordick to the Mets in 2000: net result, Melvin Mora. (There were other players involved. They were crap. CRAP!) Of course, it only took 4 years for that trade to amount to anything, since Mora didn't really figure out how to hit till 2004.

Mike Fontenot and somebody else to the Cubs for Corey Patterson in 2006. I say the Jury's still out, but at least we didn't give up anything.

Before this derails into a breakdown of bad Orioles trades (Glenn Davis, the entire flurry of trades in 2000 that netted nothing but Melvin Mora, many more) let me get back on track with the amount of malfeasance, tomfoolery and general incompetence the ornithological bird cap has overseen: Sidney Ponson drinking and driving his way out of town, Sam Horn, the ignominious firing of Davey Johnson after winning manager of the year in 97, 7 1st round picks in 1999 that netted one shiny viable major leaguer (Brian Roberts, the last of those 7 picks, btw), Marty Cordova, Sammy Sosa making $212,000 per HIT, losing an exhibition game to the Cuban national team, Albert Belle for $88 million, did I mention Tony Batista?, Omar Daal, Doug Drabek long after his prime, Pat Hentgen ditto, a slew of AAA quality teams, and the much ballyhooed 9 year losing streak.

It's time to bring back the cartoon bird, people.

You're KILLING me, Sammy...

2007-04-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

Please, someone explain the following:

Why does Kevin Millar continue to sit on the bench (and on his .372 OBP) and Jay Gibbons continue to start while sporting a robust .266 OBP?

Why does Chris Ray continue to come in before the 9th inning when there are $42 million worth of relievers signed to prevent that, and why bring him in with men on when he consistently underperforms when brought in with the bases already clogged?

I want to like Sammy Perlozzo as a manager, I really do. I don't want to be the guy who whines incessantly about his team's manager.

But can anyone explain these things?

Words Fail...

2007-04-23T23:44:00.000-04:00

...to adequately describe how stupid it is for a #2 hitter to bunt with men on 1st and 3rd, with one out, in the bottom of the ninth, when down by one run.

The only way this makes sense...the only way at all is if it is a called squeeze play and the runner is breaking as soon as the pitcher commits to throwing. Given that the runner in question was Corey Patterson, I'd be ok with the chances of that play even on a bunt hit back at the pitcher.

But it wasn't a called squeeze play. It was just a stupid, stupid play, and the kind of crap that keeps the Orioles from building on the momentum they've got going. Apparently Melvin Mora was acting alone. Who knows what the real truth there is? I'll tell you, though, I have to question the instincts that led him to do so. Hitting a normal ground ball for an out, a normal fly ball for an out, or heaven forfend, a base hit, all score the run. The infield was not drawn in to prevent the run, and again, it's Corey Patterson, one of the fastest runners in baseball. So why bunt? Swinging away presented far more opportunity for a positive outcome.

Of course, the loss can't all be blamed on Melvin Mora; Bedard decided to empty his bowels all over the sheets in the 4th, Baez gave up what proved to be a crucial insurance dinger to Nick Swisher in the 9th. And even if Sammy "The Human Bunt Sign" Perlozzo didn't call for Mora to bunt in the 9th, he did pinch hit Kevin Millar in the 8th, with two outs and the bases empty. I know you were going for the righty-lefty matchup there, Sammy, but look at it this way; Gibbons is still a decent hitter, with pop. There's no one out, there's two outs; the chances of scoring another run that inning are extremely slim. If you save Millar and let Gibbons bat, presume he makes an out. Then in the 9th, when Payton and Patterson led off with a single and a double, instead of sending Chris Gomez up there to strike out looking, you could've pinch hit Kevin Millar for Paul Bako. But no. Instead you squandered the best bat on the bench in a situation where, essentially, he had to hit a home run to have a worthwhile at bat. Saving him for the 9th, though, with men on 2nd and 3rd and no outs, anything short of a K or a line drive right at an infielder could have scored a run.

And while I'm on the subject, since Kevin Millar is right now the best hitter on the team, sporting an .877 OPS and a nice, shiny .414 OBP, why the hell isn't he in the starting lineup?

While I'm ranting about the Orioles, let me share this comparison; on shows like COPS, you often see a tattooed, rail-thin crystal meth addict who beats on his sad little crack-smoking woman and busts up the double wide in the process. Then, as the cop slaps the cuffs on him and drags him away, she starts shrieking and throwing herself at the cop, screaming "I love 'im, I love 'im, I love 'im, no, you can't take him away." Sometimes she even tries to grab the guy and kiss him before he gets taken to jail for, you know, beating the snot out of her.

The relevance: the Orioles are that meth-freak. I am that sad little woman. I love them and I love them and I love them some more, they kick the snot out of me, and all I can do is cry and scream about how much I love them. Why won't they just love me?

Just When You Think You Can't Laugh Anymore...

2007-04-22T11:57:00.000-04:00

...you do some wikipedia surfing and you find people like, oh, the Nuwaubians

Summary: Hate-mongering, costume-wearing whang-doodle wackaloids led by a dude who simultaneously claims to be a Yammasee Indian Chief, a Celtic Moor from the House of York, a Nubian/Egyptian, a Liberian diplomat with royal Sudanese blood, but is mostly just a child molester serving 135 years for raping teenagers (and probably some much, much younge rkids). Favorite factoid: in his varied, jumbled, nonsensical legal defense papers, he consistently used the word "indigerness." Slightly scary fact: a number of recognizable rappers apparently subscribe to this patent nonsense, but aren't necessarily too public about it.

Or, say, you come across these fine, fine militiamen in the Republic of Texas

These tragic wastes of blood and oxygen seem to be under the delusion that they are, in fact, the real government of Texas.

On a side note, I say...what the hell? Let them have Texas. Who'll miss it?

However, their delusion seems to be so thorough that they engaged in some cockamamie scheme to start their own bank. How did they do this? By writing "warrants" which basically claimed a lien on all the assets- money, resources, airspace, infrastructure, mineral rights- of the state of Texas. They used these warrants to try and pay their AmEx bills, to buy large tracts of land, luxury cars, SUVs, guns, computers, and so on. In some cases the warrants seem to have actually been accepted as payment. Read the whole story here

And yes, this leads to the third strange group, the Washitaw Nation, of which there isn't much to find out about, but the basic assertion seems to be that the government of the US owes their Empress (that's right folks, no mucking about for her...Empress...), who goes by the name of Verdiacee Tiari Washitaw Turner Goston El-Bey, 80 quadrillion dollars, because all the land of the Louisiana Purchase actually still belongs to her. My favorite bit is that the full name of their "nation" is Washitaw de Dutgdahmoundyah, which apparently means that "they dug mounds." Sound it out, kids.

Minor observation: this is where I feel wikipedia fails miserably. Their goal of having "no point of view" is an admirable one, but also very naive, and allowing absolutely anyone to contribute and no one to offer any kind of actual analysis means you wind up with the moral mediocracy inherent in not being able to put a heading over pages about groups like this, or sundry other fringe/hate/far right groups, stating the evident truth: These people are dangerously, perhaps criminally, insane.

Indulging the Inner Geek (Long!)

2007-03-31T12:49:00.000-04:00

In the last post, I somehow raised the question of who would win in a fight between the Justice League and the Avengers. Leaving aside the fact that they wouldn't (or, who knows, in some of the Amalgam Comics crap, they probably have) who would win in a brawl between these two all-star lineups of comics superheroes?

Well, to answer that question, first we'd have to decide on what the lineups here. So here we go; these lineups are assembled completely by me, the LBAM.

The Avengers:

Well, you've got to have the basic "classic" crew:

Captain America
Iron Man
Wasp
Hank Pym (Ant-Man/Goliath/Yellowjacket/whatever the writers feel like calling him next month)
Thor

These are all the "founding" members (excluding Hulk, because he dropped out very quickly, and was never much of a success with the Avengers).

The question is who else to round out the team with, and who to exclude? Many, many top Marvel superheroes have done stints in The Avengers. So here's who else I've included on this list, with brief explanations:

Vision- not quite a founding member, but a long-running one, important, unique, and not really associated with another team and/or solo operation.

Quicksilver-He's been in and out of the Avengers an awful lot. Plus it works for an obvious matchup.

Scarlet Witch-Can't include one of Magneto's kids without the other. Sure, she's crazy stupid powerful, but who isn't?

Hawkeye-Came in with those two, has been in and out, but again, obvious matchup.

Ms. Marvel- The current leader of the team. Plus, ya gotta have some hotties. This IS about superhero comics, after all.

Wonder Man- This was a tough one. Again, though, what else is Wonder Man associated with besides the Avengers? I don't particularly like the character, but...what're you gonna do?

Falcon- Long-time partner of Captain America, lame as a solo act, though for some reason always one of my favorite super-heroes. Social Services worker by day, flying vigilante by night! Wait...social services worker? That's the best cover identity he could get? Well, whatever. Just like the Avengers in the 70s, this version needs to comply with affirmative action.

Sentry- Yes, he's lame, yes, the gimmick used to market him (actually outright lying that he was a lost creation of Stan Lee being introduced years later) was fraudulent. But he almost has to be here, and I'll explain why.

Who I left out, and why:
Spider-Man- A brief and contentious stint with the Avengers, though it did lead to a kickass new costume. However, Spider-Man is a solo act.

Wolverine&Beast- Beast spent a whole lot of time on the Avengers in the 70's, but he's really always going to be an X-Man. Ditto Wolverine.

Luke Cage- Again, more of a solo act or with Iron Fist in Heroes for Hire.

Spider-Woman- As cool a character as she actually is, I'm not including her. Her time with the Avengers was too brief.

Ronin/Echo, Justice, Firestar, Monica Rambeau (as one of the later and lamer Captain Marvels), Jack of Hearts, Captain Britain, She-Hulk, Tigra, Mockingbird, Namor- They all suck.

The Justice League

Once again, there's a pretty basic "classic" lineup, and lots of lesser players to sort through to round it all out.

The Classics:
Superman
Batman
Wonder Woman
Flash
Green Lantern
Martian Manhunter
Aquaman
Green Arrow

Rounding it out:

Hawkman- Been around a long time. Nice to see a superhero use a big honkin' mace now and then.

Black Canary- See: Ms. Marvel

Atom- I don't even know why. He's there.

Captain Marvel- Again. He's there. He's powerful. He's confusing! (Wait. You mean the DC Captain Marvel? As in, Shazam! But he isn't named Shazam. That's just what he says. But wasn't his book called that? Huh? [See?])

Plastic Man- At this point, I was drawing straws. Once you get past the heavyweights, DC really sucks.

The Matchups:

Superman vs. Sentry: Ok, here's why Sentry has to be here. Somebody has to be able to handle Superman. Who better than his yellow&blue costumed Marvel rip-off? Really, he's the only character in the Marvel universe totally equipped to do so, and was meant to be the Marvel "Superman." If you don't account for Superman, the battle is over before it starts; nobody on the Avengers can take him if Sentry's not there. One might successfully argue that if Tony Stark knew about Superman, he'd have in a supply of kryptonite, just like Batman always does. But then, that's lame. So just let Superman and Sentry battle it out. They might accidentally destroy the world in the process, though. Edge- Push.

Batman vs. Captain America- They seem a natural match. Both high-profile. Both basically just 'human' with lots of training, skills, abilities, etc. They have very similar fighting styles, though Batman tends to make use of more gadgets. Probably because of his tendency to rely on gadgets, I'm going to give the edge to Captain America. All old Steve-O ever needed to defeat the Nazis, the Masters of Evil, Ultron, or anyone else, was his shield, his right fist, and his love for the good ol' US of A. God bless you, Captain America; you'll be missed. Steve Rogers, R.I.P. (1917-2007) Edge-Avengers (On a side note; brilliant creative move for Marvel to kill Captain America. And he is dead; there may be another Captain America, but it seems like it won't be Steve Rogers).

Flash vs. Quicksilver- These two are an obvious wash. Both run really fast. Even fast enough to time travel. But that's all they do. So maybe they can run in circles around each other in an attempt to land noodly-armed slaps, because that's all they're good for. Edge- Push

Green Arrow vs. Hawkeye- After 10 minutes, these two would probably even forget which is which. Actually, more likely, they'd start making archery-based bar bets and eventually go whoring together. Edge- Push

Falcon vs. Hawkman- I'm tempted to give a slight edge to Falcon, for streetfighting knowledge, but then, Hawkman does carry a big mace. Edge-Push

Hank Pym vs. Atom- Let's see. Both scientists, both discover a way to shrink stuff, both shrink themselves...hell with it. Edge- Push

Wonder Woman vs. Ms. Marvel- Ms. Marvel is awfully powerful. As is Wonder Woman. Given that Wonder Woman's "lasso of truth" (worst. weapon. ever.) can restrain people like Superman, I'm tempted to give her the edge. Ms. Marvel can fly at the speed of light, though. Hrm. You know what? I'm deciding this one based on hotness. Wonder Woman, hands down. Edge-Justice League

Green Lantern vs. Iron Man- Half of Iron Man's armor is colored yellow. I'm sure given any amount of prep time, Tony Stark would bust out an all-yellow version and smack up whatever ring-wielding fool was calling himself "Green Lantern" that week. Edge- Avengers

Aquaman vs. Thor- I think we all know this ends with Aquaman in pieces too small for his own fish to eat. Edge- Avengers

Black Canary vs. Wasp- Black Canary's way, way hotter. But she is also a very lame superhero. Then again, so is Wasp- only maybe slightly less lame. Edge- Push

Captain Marvel vs. Wonder Man- This one is probably too close to call. Edge- Push

Plastic Man vs. Scarlet Witch- A total and complete "wtf?" I don't even know how these two would fight. Scarlet Witch would probably go crazy. Edge- Push

Martian Manhunter vs. Vision- As smart and resourceful as Vision is, M.M. has one weakness (fire) and Vision ain't got nothin' to do with fire. This one ends quickly, with Vision about the shape and size of a rubik's cube. Edge-JLA

The total:

Eight matchups are a wash- Superman/Sentry, Plastic Man/Scarlet Witch, Black Canary/Wasp, Green Arrow/Hawkeye, Atom/Hank Pym, Hawkman/Falcon, Captain Marvel/Wonder Man, and Flash/Quicksilver.

The Avengers take three matchups: Captain America over Batman, Thor over Aquaman, and Iron Man over Green Lantern. The Justice League takes two, Martian Manhunter over Vision and Wonder Woman over Ms. Marvel.

Is that enough to call it in favor of the Avengers, 3-2? Or is a second round needed, pitting Wonder Woman and Martian Manhunter against Captain America, Thor, and Iron-Man?

That'll have to be another post. That's definitely enough geekery for now.

Guys You Don't Want To Be, Vol 1.

2007-03-30T18:28:00.000-04:00

Alright gents. Since the LBAM began this version of the blog with some instructive insights on how to be a man, I'm going to continue in that thread, with examples of the guys you don't want to be.

1. That Cellphone Headset Fucker*

We all know this guy. The guy who has his little bluetooth headset wedged behind his ear everywhere he goes. This guy is trying to tell you how important he is; it is absolutely vital that he be in communication with his network of friends, acquaintances and co-workers at all times.

Unless he is a doctor or is, in fact, a member of the Justice League and/or the Avengers**, this is false, due to an inflated sense of his own importance, or the desire to make onlookers think he is so important that he must have lots of money. This is a misguided attempt to attract the chicks.

2. The Guys You Don't Want to Be at a Music Festival

This encompasses several different flavors of douchebag, but I will toss them all together in one subset.

Rainstick Guy: Okay, listen up you hash-head. Rainstick is not an instrument. Okay? Got that? Not an instrument. You do not "play" it. Anything that has two methods of producing noise, shaking and turning upside down, is not an instrument. It does not qualify you to sit in on people's jam sessions. Rainsticks are things stupid tourists buy at airport souveneir shops when they realize, "oh crap, I didn't get my mom anything on my spring break trip to Costa Rica." All of the above also applies to people who "play" the spoons, the washboard, the bones, or any other similar piece of crap. All of these can create interesting percussion noises. They are not instruments unto themselves.

Novelty "Talent" Guy: The guy who goes to one of the stupid merchandise stalls and buys one of those little plastic or glass balls, or one of those 3-stick "juggling" apparatus things. Anything you can 'master' in a few hours practice is not a skill that entitles you to inflict your idea of performing on others. You wasted your money. Go back to your tent and cry into your sleeping bag, because you are not getting any company. And at a music festival, that's really pathetic.

Drum Circle Morons: I don't care if Mickey Hart is all for them, or has some half-assed idea he thinks makes him sound smart about what they do for the "consciousness," drum circles are incredibly fucking stupid unless they have some sort of real cultural significance, and not one some "neopagan" moron made up.

3. Hackeysack and/or Ultimate Frisbee Guy

Listen. Hackeysack and Ultimate Frisbee are not cool. They are not sports. They are, based on all the observing I've done of them on various college campuses, the last refuge of the complete athletic incompetent. Either sign up for some intramurals, or just give in to the fact that you have the athleticism of a trashcan and go twiddle your thumbs on a playstation. Neither will get you laid, but you won't look quite so idiotic with the second.

I think that'll do for now.

* In the interest of complete honesty, the LBAM is forced to admit that he has, in fact, become one of those cell-phone headset fuckers. But it is not my fault. Nobody can hear a damned word I say on my phone without the headset.

**Who would win in a straight-up brawl between the JLA and the Avengers? I think it depends on whether Superman was with the JLA. And if he was, whether Sentry was with the Avengers. If they're both present, they cancel each other out. So then, who would win? Depends on the lineups, I suppose. Damnit, this is an entry unto itself.

The Queering of the American Male

2007-03-29T08:53:00.000-04:00

The young American man is becoming more soft and effete by the day.

Well, damnit, it's time someone spoke up. I stroll two different college campuses several times a week, and what I see there has convinced me that we are perhaps ten years away from it being considered more or less normal for teenage boys and young adult men to wear makeup.

Well, why not? They already use three different gels or creams or lotions to shave, plus a moisturizer, plus cologne, plus enough "body spray" to stun a yak at 30 yards, plus nail polish, earrings, more hair gel than "Winger" in their heyday, bracelets, big clunky silver rings on three fingers and two polo shirts at a time with the collars artfully and asymmetrically "popped." Why not makeup?

Because it's f___ing stupid, that's why.

Look guys, there is a way a man is supposed to act. And I don't mean doing beer-bongs and tequila shots every night, trying to sleep around like someone's keeping score, and generally acting like an enormous asshole.

I mean that a man should take care of his appearance but should not be obssessed with it; shave, shower, comb your hair, put on a proper amount of nice cologne, clothes that match, maybe a nice suit once in a while, no plaid with stripes...it's not hard.

For all you body-spray&gel&thumb-ring wearing ponces, let it be known that men managed to attract women for hundreds, nay, thousands of years without body-spray, without carefully sculpted hair, without half a dozen kinds of shaving "product" to rub on your skin.

Do you know why you are all suddenly buying all these products?

Because advertisers have told you to.

That's basically the plain truth of it. Those ad men for "Axe" and "Tag" and all that other crap are canny bastards. And they've made you believe that you need their nonsense in order to attract a girl, that you need to rub a tube of gel into your hair every morning, that you need to wear two shirts at a time in order to get laid. Or that it will at least increase your chances.

You don't, and it won't. Nowadays so few young men actually act, dress, or smell like men that when one fellow does, he's far more likely to attract a decent girl. And the other morons are spending far too much of their (or their parent's) hard earned money because advertising, television, and popular culture have taught them they should.

Little tip, gentleman; a bottle of any Clubman aftershave costs between six and fourteen dollars. And it will make her libido come out and dance on the table.

Trust me. This is the kind of thing your father should've taught you. But since they're clearly falling down on the job, you've got me; the LastBestAngryMan.

P.S. Speaking of fatherhood, the official fiance of LBAM asked, when I was raging about how guys were going to be wearing makeup in ten years, "Well, what if we had a teenage son in twenty-odd years who came home wearing makeup? What would you do?"

"I would shove his face in the toilet and flush. Then I would call a military academy."

P.P.S. To those checking this out for the first time, the LBAM used to rant over at www.xanga.com/lastbestangryman.